More Proof That Evolution Sucks

A friend and I have been commiserating over our infertility for several years now though we were on different paths. We went adoption, she and her husband have been going though fertility treatments. Earlier in her life she had some health problems that were causing some problems. She managed to get pregnant earlier this year. I don't think I have ever seen anyone happier than her when expecting a baby. So needless to say, this was just an amazing time for her. We held our breath a little through the first trimester, but she and the baby were healthy.
She lost the baby today.
It's almost more than I can bear, I can't imagine what she and her husband are going through. I don't get it, and I never will. As much as I can hurt for myself sometimes, this is worse. This is unfair. Suck it, Darwin or God or whoever's fault this is. OK, that's stupid, I know. But I don't care. I'm going to be immature for a little bit.

Why those statistics on the left are not "for reals"

I think we all know that John is a bit of a jerk. This time, however, he doesn't mean to be. See, Blogger blogs are blocked at work, and, well, he likes to check things out while he is at work. This presents a problem. He can

1. Wait until he gets home, like a good boy
2. Bounce the request off of a series of untraceable requests until it randomly leaves a cycle of requests and hits the blog

. I think we all know which one he chose.

So, when you see a really exotic place of origin, there are two possibilities. Either somebody from a distant land stumbled upon our blog . . . heck, said person might be pregnant, had been thinking about adoption, and after reading our blog decided to visit America just so that we can parent her child. Or, it is me, just checking things -- I have no way to control where my visits are routed through. I'll continue hoping that we're getting visits from mysterious places - it makes me feel a little more exotic.

Expiring Pregnancy Test

I have a pregnancy test that expires at the end of the month. This means I bought this thing between a year and two years ago. Ah those carefree days of "I know it will happen this month!" I remember thinking when I bought it that 8/08 was a long time away, and I was sure to have used it for a positive result before then. Lord, what fools these mortals be.
So if anyone in the driving radius of my house (less than a hour) or someone wanting to pay shipping is welcome to it. Otherwise, I may just use the thing on August 31st before it spontaneously combusts or whatever. I may even post a picture of it like all my pregnant blogger friends do. What's a baby blog without a random preggers test picture, I ask you? Or do you think the birthmom would take a test and let me take a picture of it? Is that asking too much? Am I currently delirious from wallpaper glue fumes?

Dealing with Disappointment

So, I figured it had been awhile since I've chimed in here. I check in every day, just to see if anybody had commented (and, of course, to see if my wife has graced us with her writing once more . . . one of the things that is going to suck with the beginning of the school year is that she won't be home during the day anymore). We try to keep things honest here - which means, lately, that the bad news posts have outnumbered the good . . . although we're still leading toward one great big good news post, so it is best to take it all in stride.

And that's the thing - keeping it all in stride. There have been three distinct moments in the past month and a half that I thought that parenthood was, literally, right around the corner. That is three times when we know that somebody took a look through a book, saw our profile, and had to give (at least some) consideration to whether or not we would make good parents for her biological child. In each of those cases, the biological mother took on the role of mother. Yeah, it's a letdown when this has happened . . . but it's not all that bad to take. I mean, I cannot even fathom what it must take in order to put a child that you've been carrying around for nine months into somebody else's hands. I just can't.

One of the tremendous fears that I have about adopting is that the biological mother would doubt this decision. We know that there is always, always, always going to be a "what if" - but I fear being resented. If a birthmother can honestly tell herself that she thinks the best situation for the baby is if she parents it, well, I don't think I want to be daddy to that baby, and I wish that birthmother the best.

Part of what is frustrating is that we don't know how often our profile is being seen. Have these three situations been it? Or, are we getting looked at every other day, but something says "no" to those looking? The only way I can take this is that all of this frustration (and, while I try to keep a calm demeanor through all of this, it's not always easy) is going to be worth it in the end. That is certain.

So, I guess just keep on checking in . . . we will post when we can - and, of course, we always appreciate the good wishes - and I'm sure you'll all hear the whoop of joy when our phoenix baby is turned from a mythical creature to reality.

As promised

Here is the tour of the nursery. It's long and boring, but we love the room.

The Mojo is a YoYo

The mother took the baby home. There were eight prospective families she did look at before leaving the hospital. She hasn't ruled out adoption, but we are assuming she has ruled it out.
There are the facts.
This is why this blog is a double edged sword. I want to share, I think it is a good thing for me, I hope there might be others out there reading who are in the same situation or considering adoption, but it also means I have to place our disappointment on everyone who cares for us. Then again it can make the disappointment easier to deal with. So sorry to disappoint our faithful followers, but thank you for being there. It does help.
So there have been three situation so far that have ended with the biological family raising the baby. I can't decide if that makes me feel better or worse. On one hand, it means we haven't been overlooked (that we know of) for an actual adoption, on the other hand, it makes it feel rather fruitless. I know adoptions do happen. It doesn't feel like it right now.
Sorry for the disappointment. The next entry will be a video of the nursery which should make all of us feel better.

Bra Strap Mojo A GoGo

Round 3, I believe.

There was a little girl born yesterday, two weeks premature. Our SW had to call to see if we wanted to be considered, because the mother had two winecoolers before she knew she was pregnant, and a couple glasses of wine on the 4th of July. The mother was due at the end of the month but went to the hospital with a fever where they induced. We should have a decision one way or the other by tomorrow. Baby is healthy though they have her under observation because of the mom's fever and being a little premature. Only other info we have is that, sadly, the father is deceased. He lived in north Philly and was shot.

The nursery was finished yesterday. We are on day 6 of the Blessed Bra. I was supposed to be in school today getting my classroom set up. They waxed the floors. I couldn't get to my room. I ended up helping out a couple of other teachers.

I can't decide if the timing is too right or just right.

The Virgin Mary and My Bra Strap

OK, anyone who knows me knows I am not the world's most religious person. I have struggled a lot with what I believe faith-wise. Basically, I do believe there is a spiritual side of existence. I do think there is a high consciousness to the universe, but I do not think it/he/she can influence the world outside of human consciousness. People have to listen inside themselves and be observant of those and the world around them to really listen to God (for lack of another name). And once you get past love yourself and love your neighbor, I think a lot of organized religion is just human vanity. I do not believe in a God, for instance, who has made any decision about my fertility. This is not God's will. This is just one of the more unfortunate side effects of a pretty ingenious biological system that I give any creator a lot of credit for. However, I do admire people who do live a good life and treat other people well. A lot of them are religious people. They have their own truths, just like I do, and if that truth leads to good in the world, all the better. One of the people I would put in this category is one of the priests at my church. We shall call him Father Y. He is truly a person of faith and goodness. Somehow he only recently found out about our adoption plan, and he has been incredibly supportive and excited for us.
One of the ways he has shown this gets me to the title of this entry. Mt. Athos is an independent monastic community in Greece. One of the relics there is a sash of the Virgin Mary. They place strips of material on the sash, so the holiness can permeate them. Then they go out into the world as blessings. They are often given to women who want to start a family, and these women apparently wear them in their bras for 40 days. Who knows how these things get started. Anyway, Father Y had a couple of these ribbons, and offered one to me. Let me tell you, talking to your priest about your bra strap is an interesting experience. Anyway, I am very touched. It is a gift given in love and hope, and I believe that energy can only help. The power of prayer is the power of the human mind which can defy even logic. Therefore I believe in the power of a gift given in faith, especially in the name of a woman I believe was brave in the face of epic events and loved her son in the face of great danger.
So starting tomorrow, my bra has a friend.

For Our Clamouring Fans

So it has been a while, and I have people asking. Apparently, our next blog entry is an anticipated event, up there with the next Harry Potter book, I am sure.
We had a great time at the beach. It was nice to have everyone who was there together for a week. It was especially nice to see John get to relax and not work ANY job for a whole seven days. Well maybe six. I think he might have sneaked in some email on a borrowed iPhone. Soon we won't have to borrow. We ordered two new iPhone 3Gs today. They should arrive in two to three weeks. I think the accessories we ordered online will get here before the phones do.
Let's see.... we had a busy and eventful weekend due to the fact that GUESSICA GOT MARRIED. The wedding was a lot of fun. I don't look half bad in yellow, and John starts my heart aflutter in a tux. Except when he dances. The flutter is somewhere else. Like in my funny bone. But he does it with gusto (and usually some liquid courage), so more power to him. Dancing like YouTube doesn't exist, people!
Obviously there has been nothing on the baby front, otherwise, well, this entry would have started differently. My pipe dream of being matched before school starts is slowly fading. It was a long LONG shot anyway. So now I am frantically trying to finish painting before the education of future generations starts to take priority. When I finish the bathrooms, I promise a guided tour of the improvements.
In the meantime, enjoy this picture of the adorable sweater our friend, Cat, made, yes, made for the pending Batzer.