I'm driving a Volkswagen in San Francisco

The clutch is burnt out and all the blood is draining to my hip. (OK, this quote isn't part of the except, but you get the idea.) That feeling hits me at least three times a day. Panic is not a fun wall to run into and I slam into it at odd times. For instance, one of the tabloids is running a story about Neil Patrick Harris having a baby through a surrogate. (Haven't checked to see if that is true, but if so, go Dr. Horrible, go!) Which of course leads me to think about the adoption. Now comes the moment. Will it be a positive, "I feel good about this one", or will it be "Dear God, this is still just a crap shoot". I don't know what minute changes in psyche, chemical balances, or barometric pressure makes the difference, but dealing with the latter option is not easy. I am now queen of the self talkdown.
Now, I do feel 99% confident in this adoption especially after the meeting with the birthmom. I hope after meeting us, she is thinking of him as ours as well as hers. I did get that feeling.
That makes me feel very confident. But the worm of a panic usually starts with... Will that be the case when he is a baby and not a fetus? There is no way to tell. John and I have agreed that we need to do our best to be positive and assume this is it, otherwise the fear will keep what is exciting about this time at bay. We don't want that. We don't want to miss out on being expectant parents out of fear. Part of that is sharing things. That also means that everyone we share with has to share in the fear and will share in the potential grief if things do not go our way.
I am so glad so many care so much about us that they are willing to take on the burden with us. We will all be rewarded with great joy. Let's hope that is in August. Or July. Maybe. What?



PS - FYI A good way to alleviate the panic is to prepare something in the nursery or buy an outfit or add stuff to the registry.

The Future Over Cheddar Bay Biscuits

Of which we brought home six. There is crack in those biscuits, I am convinced. You ain't fooling me, Oh Lobster of the Crimson Hue.
So the meet up was set for 2 PM. We got there at 12:30. Natch. Fortunately there was a small mall next door. We used a Bon Ton gift card and picked up The Ghostbusters video game and the new Smash Hits for Guitar Hero at Game Stop. All in all, an unplanned, but successful mall outing.
Back at Red Lobster at about 1:45. SERIOUSLY nervous. John kept jerking his head and craning every time it looked like someone was coming to the door. It was like the dogs in Up. SQUIRREL! BIRTHMOM!
J, the birthmom, and two social workers from the Pittsburgh area office came in pretty much at 2 PM. I think this could define awkward moment, but we all recovered quickly. By the time the Ultimate Fondue was served, we were all old friends.
J is super sweet and funny. She already really liked us from our profile and video, and after getting over her initial nervousness, we were all good. We talked about her kids and plans. We showed her some more pictures and the totally geeky video tour I made of our house. We did discuss the challenges of white parents raising a black child, but I think we addressed it well and raised her confidence over that potentially worrisome aspect. We were there for almost two and a half hours which I think is a positive.
All in all, I am as optimistic as I will allow myself to be. She seems very committed to the adoption. She even said she would like one of us in the delivery room. She is allowed two people. One will be her mother, so if John and I can make it there before the birth, we will have to figure out how to handle that. But I thought it was a great gift for her to give us the opportunity.
As to further contact, at this point she does want pictures and letters, but she doesn't think she will want visits. We told her we are comfortable with whatever she wants, and if she wants to change her mind at any point, we would be willing to adapt.
So now we wait for a call from the social worker telling us J went into labor. That should be late July, early August. She has gone several weeks early with each of her other children, and she is currently on injections to stop early labor.
So that was our day. It ended with hugs all around. What could be better than that?

Match and Hopefully Set and Game

OK. So. Here we are. Again.

So after the disappointment in April, I felt the need to seek counseling. I needed someone to listen who was not emotionally invested in the situation. I love all of you, and you love me, thus, emotional investitude (Look at me I can make up words. I could be president!). So on Monday in my session, my therapist pointed out that I was spending a lot of time worrying about other people, and that it was OK to be selfish and want this adoption for myself. Those of you who know me, know that is often not an easy thing for me to do. In an effort to be proactive for myself, I called AFTH in hopes of getting some information and discussing why things weren't happening for us when they really should be. I talked to R., one of the social workers, and we discussed a variety of issues. I felt better at the end of the conversation. She also mentioned that she knew we were being shown to a mother in Pittsburgh, and we had a good chance as we are one of only a handful of people in the program wanting a full AA baby. Righty-o.
Within the hour, John was calling me to tell me we had been chosen by the mother in Pittsburgh. She is due with a boy on August 7th. Never before has summer vacation seemed so long!
We found out today that the birthfather is signing all the necessary paperwork and agreeing to the adoption. We will be meeting the mother next Friday.
The goal will be to try and stay positive and remembering to be excited. I admit to much more trepidation than last time. I made myself buy baby stuff yesterday and today. But my heart still sank a little when I saw a missed call on my phone from AFTH. It was good news, about the birthfather's decision to sign, but my mind did not go to good news first.
I think visiting with the birthmom will help!
Updates as warrented.

They Just Keep Coming.

Earlier this week a friend I have met through the adoption process forwarded me an email from her agency. She had a placement last month with a beautiful baby boy through an outside agency. The email was about a situation with a mother in Michigan, pregnant with a biracial boy. While I am not looking for outside situations, we certainly weren't going to ignore one that fell in our lap. We contacted the agency. On Tuesday night, during Wing Night, I received a call from a lawyer in PA. Things get a little convoluted. The mom in Michigan was actually working with a small agency in PA, Adoption Network Associates. They didn't have a family that fit her profile, so Andrea, the lawyer who runs the agency, contacted Keane in Michigan. That was who the email was from, but the call was from Andrea in PA. So we were back and forth on the phone Tuesday, she had a family who wouldn't make up their mind if it was a situation they wanted to pursue. But Andrea really liked us and thought the situation would be a good fit. Finally, Wednesday, she called John and asked us to overnight a profile to the birthmom. Fedex is crazy, yo. And expensive, but would be totally worth it if this worked out.
I talked to Andrea when I sent the profile to ask about an address thing, and I found out that there was another family. They were a biracial couple in their forties with two tweens. It was basically going to come down to how important it was to the birthmom that the family be biracial.
Turns out it was very important. She chose the other family.
Why, Duffy, why did you go into this long story just to give us another disappointment?
Sorry, this is how it plays out, people. I don't make them up, I just write about them. And live through them.
I was more bummed than I thought I was going to be. However, each one gets us a step closer to the right one and provides a lesson, and this time an opportunity. We really liked Andrea at ANA, and she really liked us. They are just a small nonprofit adoption agency. She really wanted us to send her information and even go out and meet her. We are going to pursue that. Even if AFTH comes through soon, we could choose to use ANA for a second adoption in the future.
Birthmom, you are out there. We will wait for you. We will hang in there if you will!

Update

So we had a situation call this weekend. It was another baby in Harrisburg, a boy born Friday, and the placement was going to be quick. I knew when I hadn't heard anything on Sunday, that this wasn't our time. However, this one at least lead to an adoption. I guess I am disappointed, but really I am more relieved to know that these calls can lead to an adoption. We were the second choice, but the new parents were picked based on location. They were in NYC, and the mother thought that would be a good fit for her baby. I can't fault her for that. I really feel fine about it.
I was also told by the agency that we are the only "traditional" family in the AA program at this time. The SW I was talking to said that she really feels we will be getting a call anytime now as she knows there are mothers in the process of choosing and "traditional" families usually are chosen over less traditional families. People like the familiar.
That information is a double-edged sword!
Do what you do, everyone, to send us the mojo!

Moral Compass Vs. I WANT A BABY NOW

One of the ways in which adoption is like pregnancy is that there are many ways to go about it. Some pregnant women work out for the entire pregnancy. Others until they show. Some not at all. You can find out the gender or not. There are a lot of choices that have no right or wrong. It is a personal choice.
We did a lot of second guessing of our choices. Well, mostly I did. I wish I had the logic and long sighted gene John does.
Before our match we were joining another agency, and I was scouring web sites of agencies who had situations listed that they were having trouble finding families for.
In doing this, I was overlooking some of the original reasons we went with AFTH. First, they are nonprofit. Also they are inclusive allowing single people and gay couples to adopt. They give lifetime support to the birthparents. Yes, it had been a longer wait than we were anticipating. But it is the right wait. The other agency is an amazing agency that has helped create many families. But it never felt "right" for us like it has felt right for others. However, they gave us a wait time of one to three months, and I fixated on that and ignored some of the things that didn't feel like a good fit to me. Some people, even ones I love very much, would say SO WHAT? Do what you need to do to get a baby.
Maybe they are right. All I know is that when that was what I was thinking, I was really unhappy and obsessive.
This is also why we won't be joining the Caucausian program at AFTH. It is not the right fit for us. I was forgetting the reasons why we went into the AA program in the first place. Stepping back from the pain of the last month, I realized that $3,000 can be spent in a much more productive way once we have a beautiful baby with cocoa skin and luscious black curls.
So we are sticking with AFTH. Yes, there have been some foibles. Yes, there are times I wish they ran more like a business than a non-profit. But they make us feel comfortable. Their philosophy fits ours.
I need my life not to be all about the adoption. When I was obsessing with joining a new agency and finding situations with other agencies, I was not in a healthy place. I need to get into a healthy place. Part of that is comparmentilizing the adoption. Right now that means leaving the adoption in AFTH's hands.

My Wish List

1. Next time, we get no lead time. I want a call in which we are told to get to a hospital ASAP.
2. If #1 doesn't happen, the birthparent(s) insists on meeting us.
3. Next time is a NJ adoption.
4. I don't care about gender. I'd love a little hermaphrodite.
5. The agency stops needing money, and let's us into the Caucasian program for free instead of waiting until we can come up with $3,000. And the $6,000 more it will cost if we are matched in the program. That's right, kids, non AA babies cost $9,000 more. Civil rights movement, what?
6. The phone rings as soon as I post this.