Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Punch Drunk

I couldn't write the entry on the situation that came up over break. It was too raw. There were way too many conflicting emotions for me to write of it in any kind of clarity. So John had to bounce that one. This one falls to me.
John received a call today asking if we wanted to be shown to a mother who had done heroine everyday for the first two trimesters. He said no. Someone is made to love that baby, I know that in my heart. It is just not us. The feelings that are rolled up in that run the gambit from guilt to anger to numbness. There is such a thrill that runs through you when you answer the phone, and it is the agency. The deflation when you realize it is not THE CALL or even one that can lead to THE CALL is truly the most depressing feeling I have ever had. It makes it hard to remember or even want to breathe. There have been days when I have to mentally tell myself to put on your shoes, turn the key, talked to the students, write your lesson plans, workout, eat dinner, pet the dog, brush your teeth, go to sleep, because it all feels fake. It doesn't feel like the life I am suppose to be living. I should be home, sleep deprived, unable to shower, covered in odd smells from baby powder to spit up.
So I wish I could be more uplifting. I wish I could show all of you the optimism I know is buried in me somewhere. I am sorry to add my burden to whatever you carry for yourself and know that there are more out there worrying for me. I don't like to feel worried over. I don't like to garner everyone's pity. All I can say is that I promised when I started this blog that it would be completely honest. Unfortunately, honesty can be ugly and unwanted.
However, anyone who knows me will know that soon enough I will be writing a post that will make everyone laugh and relieve some of the worry I know I have placed on others.
On some more factual and concrete issues.
We are a little worried about the state of our agency. They closed the Harrisburg office and consolidated it with the Lancaster office without informing anyone. This is the second office they closed this year. There have been some lay offs. There are small signs that it might be a sinking ship. We have started to consider a national agency with which two couples we know have had placements within a couple of months of joining. We will wait a little while longer as there are some negatives like national means national. We could go to any state in the nation. Also because of that size, there won't necessarily be the support in the hospital there would be with AFTH. And it will be more money, of course. But we are starting to consider the options especially since our home study will need to be renewed in May costing another $750 (I think.) and meaning we have to go through things like another fingerprinting. Which I don't get. They have them on file. Just run them again. Ah, the bureaucracy of the FBI.
Nothing from ZOE for Life. I wrote them a check at the beginning of December, and it hasn't been cashed yet. I talked to a representative right after the holidays. She said they had our materials, but we need to be approved by a committee. I will let anyone know if or when more comes from that organization. I have a feeling they are pretty understaffed and a lot of it is volunteer based, so patience and understanding.
Until then... STOP WORRYING. We're fine. Really. We laugh a lot. OK, Snick is ready for our evening popcorn session.

No comments: