Saturday, May 23, 2009

They Just Keep Coming.

Earlier this week a friend I have met through the adoption process forwarded me an email from her agency. She had a placement last month with a beautiful baby boy through an outside agency. The email was about a situation with a mother in Michigan, pregnant with a biracial boy. While I am not looking for outside situations, we certainly weren't going to ignore one that fell in our lap. We contacted the agency. On Tuesday night, during Wing Night, I received a call from a lawyer in PA. Things get a little convoluted. The mom in Michigan was actually working with a small agency in PA, Adoption Network Associates. They didn't have a family that fit her profile, so Andrea, the lawyer who runs the agency, contacted Keane in Michigan. That was who the email was from, but the call was from Andrea in PA. So we were back and forth on the phone Tuesday, she had a family who wouldn't make up their mind if it was a situation they wanted to pursue. But Andrea really liked us and thought the situation would be a good fit. Finally, Wednesday, she called John and asked us to overnight a profile to the birthmom. Fedex is crazy, yo. And expensive, but would be totally worth it if this worked out.
I talked to Andrea when I sent the profile to ask about an address thing, and I found out that there was another family. They were a biracial couple in their forties with two tweens. It was basically going to come down to how important it was to the birthmom that the family be biracial.
Turns out it was very important. She chose the other family.
Why, Duffy, why did you go into this long story just to give us another disappointment?
Sorry, this is how it plays out, people. I don't make them up, I just write about them. And live through them.
I was more bummed than I thought I was going to be. However, each one gets us a step closer to the right one and provides a lesson, and this time an opportunity. We really liked Andrea at ANA, and she really liked us. They are just a small nonprofit adoption agency. She really wanted us to send her information and even go out and meet her. We are going to pursue that. Even if AFTH comes through soon, we could choose to use ANA for a second adoption in the future.
Birthmom, you are out there. We will wait for you. We will hang in there if you will!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


So we had a situation call this weekend. It was another baby in Harrisburg, a boy born Friday, and the placement was going to be quick. I knew when I hadn't heard anything on Sunday, that this wasn't our time. However, this one at least lead to an adoption. I guess I am disappointed, but really I am more relieved to know that these calls can lead to an adoption. We were the second choice, but the new parents were picked based on location. They were in NYC, and the mother thought that would be a good fit for her baby. I can't fault her for that. I really feel fine about it.
I was also told by the agency that we are the only "traditional" family in the AA program at this time. The SW I was talking to said that she really feels we will be getting a call anytime now as she knows there are mothers in the process of choosing and "traditional" families usually are chosen over less traditional families. People like the familiar.
That information is a double-edged sword!
Do what you do, everyone, to send us the mojo!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Moral Compass Vs. I WANT A BABY NOW

One of the ways in which adoption is like pregnancy is that there are many ways to go about it. Some pregnant women work out for the entire pregnancy. Others until they show. Some not at all. You can find out the gender or not. There are a lot of choices that have no right or wrong. It is a personal choice.
We did a lot of second guessing of our choices. Well, mostly I did. I wish I had the logic and long sighted gene John does.
Before our match we were joining another agency, and I was scouring web sites of agencies who had situations listed that they were having trouble finding families for.
In doing this, I was overlooking some of the original reasons we went with AFTH. First, they are nonprofit. Also they are inclusive allowing single people and gay couples to adopt. They give lifetime support to the birthparents. Yes, it had been a longer wait than we were anticipating. But it is the right wait. The other agency is an amazing agency that has helped create many families. But it never felt "right" for us like it has felt right for others. However, they gave us a wait time of one to three months, and I fixated on that and ignored some of the things that didn't feel like a good fit to me. Some people, even ones I love very much, would say SO WHAT? Do what you need to do to get a baby.
Maybe they are right. All I know is that when that was what I was thinking, I was really unhappy and obsessive.
This is also why we won't be joining the Caucausian program at AFTH. It is not the right fit for us. I was forgetting the reasons why we went into the AA program in the first place. Stepping back from the pain of the last month, I realized that $3,000 can be spent in a much more productive way once we have a beautiful baby with cocoa skin and luscious black curls.
So we are sticking with AFTH. Yes, there have been some foibles. Yes, there are times I wish they ran more like a business than a non-profit. But they make us feel comfortable. Their philosophy fits ours.
I need my life not to be all about the adoption. When I was obsessing with joining a new agency and finding situations with other agencies, I was not in a healthy place. I need to get into a healthy place. Part of that is comparmentilizing the adoption. Right now that means leaving the adoption in AFTH's hands.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

My Wish List

1. Next time, we get no lead time. I want a call in which we are told to get to a hospital ASAP.
2. If #1 doesn't happen, the birthparent(s) insists on meeting us.
3. Next time is a NJ adoption.
4. I don't care about gender. I'd love a little hermaphrodite.
5. The agency stops needing money, and let's us into the Caucasian program for free instead of waiting until we can come up with $3,000. And the $6,000 more it will cost if we are matched in the program. That's right, kids, non AA babies cost $9,000 more. Civil rights movement, what?
6. The phone rings as soon as I post this.