I'm driving a Volkswagen in San Francisco

The clutch is burnt out and all the blood is draining to my hip. (OK, this quote isn't part of the except, but you get the idea.) That feeling hits me at least three times a day. Panic is not a fun wall to run into and I slam into it at odd times. For instance, one of the tabloids is running a story about Neil Patrick Harris having a baby through a surrogate. (Haven't checked to see if that is true, but if so, go Dr. Horrible, go!) Which of course leads me to think about the adoption. Now comes the moment. Will it be a positive, "I feel good about this one", or will it be "Dear God, this is still just a crap shoot". I don't know what minute changes in psyche, chemical balances, or barometric pressure makes the difference, but dealing with the latter option is not easy. I am now queen of the self talkdown.
Now, I do feel 99% confident in this adoption especially after the meeting with the birthmom. I hope after meeting us, she is thinking of him as ours as well as hers. I did get that feeling.
That makes me feel very confident. But the worm of a panic usually starts with... Will that be the case when he is a baby and not a fetus? There is no way to tell. John and I have agreed that we need to do our best to be positive and assume this is it, otherwise the fear will keep what is exciting about this time at bay. We don't want that. We don't want to miss out on being expectant parents out of fear. Part of that is sharing things. That also means that everyone we share with has to share in the fear and will share in the potential grief if things do not go our way.
I am so glad so many care so much about us that they are willing to take on the burden with us. We will all be rewarded with great joy. Let's hope that is in August. Or July. Maybe. What?



PS - FYI A good way to alleviate the panic is to prepare something in the nursery or buy an outfit or add stuff to the registry.

The Future Over Cheddar Bay Biscuits

Of which we brought home six. There is crack in those biscuits, I am convinced. You ain't fooling me, Oh Lobster of the Crimson Hue.
So the meet up was set for 2 PM. We got there at 12:30. Natch. Fortunately there was a small mall next door. We used a Bon Ton gift card and picked up The Ghostbusters video game and the new Smash Hits for Guitar Hero at Game Stop. All in all, an unplanned, but successful mall outing.
Back at Red Lobster at about 1:45. SERIOUSLY nervous. John kept jerking his head and craning every time it looked like someone was coming to the door. It was like the dogs in Up. SQUIRREL! BIRTHMOM!
J, the birthmom, and two social workers from the Pittsburgh area office came in pretty much at 2 PM. I think this could define awkward moment, but we all recovered quickly. By the time the Ultimate Fondue was served, we were all old friends.
J is super sweet and funny. She already really liked us from our profile and video, and after getting over her initial nervousness, we were all good. We talked about her kids and plans. We showed her some more pictures and the totally geeky video tour I made of our house. We did discuss the challenges of white parents raising a black child, but I think we addressed it well and raised her confidence over that potentially worrisome aspect. We were there for almost two and a half hours which I think is a positive.
All in all, I am as optimistic as I will allow myself to be. She seems very committed to the adoption. She even said she would like one of us in the delivery room. She is allowed two people. One will be her mother, so if John and I can make it there before the birth, we will have to figure out how to handle that. But I thought it was a great gift for her to give us the opportunity.
As to further contact, at this point she does want pictures and letters, but she doesn't think she will want visits. We told her we are comfortable with whatever she wants, and if she wants to change her mind at any point, we would be willing to adapt.
So now we wait for a call from the social worker telling us J went into labor. That should be late July, early August. She has gone several weeks early with each of her other children, and she is currently on injections to stop early labor.
So that was our day. It ended with hugs all around. What could be better than that?

Match and Hopefully Set and Game

OK. So. Here we are. Again.

So after the disappointment in April, I felt the need to seek counseling. I needed someone to listen who was not emotionally invested in the situation. I love all of you, and you love me, thus, emotional investitude (Look at me I can make up words. I could be president!). So on Monday in my session, my therapist pointed out that I was spending a lot of time worrying about other people, and that it was OK to be selfish and want this adoption for myself. Those of you who know me, know that is often not an easy thing for me to do. In an effort to be proactive for myself, I called AFTH in hopes of getting some information and discussing why things weren't happening for us when they really should be. I talked to R., one of the social workers, and we discussed a variety of issues. I felt better at the end of the conversation. She also mentioned that she knew we were being shown to a mother in Pittsburgh, and we had a good chance as we are one of only a handful of people in the program wanting a full AA baby. Righty-o.
Within the hour, John was calling me to tell me we had been chosen by the mother in Pittsburgh. She is due with a boy on August 7th. Never before has summer vacation seemed so long!
We found out today that the birthfather is signing all the necessary paperwork and agreeing to the adoption. We will be meeting the mother next Friday.
The goal will be to try and stay positive and remembering to be excited. I admit to much more trepidation than last time. I made myself buy baby stuff yesterday and today. But my heart still sank a little when I saw a missed call on my phone from AFTH. It was good news, about the birthfather's decision to sign, but my mind did not go to good news first.
I think visiting with the birthmom will help!
Updates as warrented.