The Profile Key

As Duffy alluded to, our next big step is filling out the profile key. Well, I guess the profile page (which I thank all that is holy that I have a very creative wife to do, as she has turned out a tremendous page in a bare minimum of time, with a minimal amount of cursing) is actually bigger - but we're partly looking forward to that.

So, what are we willing to "accept" in a baby? While we have no questions of race, there are questions about alcohol / drug abuse, imprisonment, etc. We'll be contacting many of you directly, but if you're reading this and can offer any advice, please let us know (you have our email addresses and/or can leave a comment).

We're not entirely sure how we're going to fill out everything, but we're leaning toward excluding a child if:

• There was a "serious" medical condition that would place the child into the "special needs" category (and, in the event that this happened, it doesn't necessarily exclude us from accepting the child - but we cannot legally back out of an adoption if we said that we would take a child in this category only to find out that the child needed care that we simply couldn't provide)
• The birthmother engaged in alcohol abuse, cocaine, crack, herion, PCP, or LSD, or Ecstacy at any point during the pregnancy
• The birthmother socially drank for the last two trimesters of the pregnancy
• The child was conceived through incest
• The birthmother was HIV-positive (see first bullet point)

This leaves on the "accept" list:

• The birthmother socially drank during the first trimester of the pregnancy (in theory, this is the "before she knew she was pregnant" option, but there is no way to specify this on the form)
• The birthmother smoked marijuana or received Methadone during the pregnancy
• The child, pre-birth, is known to have a minor/correctable medical condition (e.g. cleft pallet)
• The birthfather was HIV positive / drug user / mentally ill / violent criminal (basically, we don't care too much about the father in this -- which sucks from some point of view writing this as a male - but there are only genetic markers that he can give the child, and the birthmother's behavior during pregnancy is really the only issue)
• The child was conceived through stranger or acquaintance rape
• The birthmother was imprisoned for either a non-violent or violent offense

There are still tons things that we're still determining (how premature a child if the child is born prematurely, whether we want to be considered if the birthmother is being treated for mental illness, etc). These are straight-forward questions, but it's the truth of adoption. Duffy said things well in her post, in that if we got pregnant on our own, we wouldn't have to be worry about any of this (she would take care of things medically so questions of drug or alcohol abuse wouldn't come up -- then, any complications are just the work of a higher power), but we're not in that situation. We'll see how the next few days turn out as we complete our research.

My Take on Racial Issues

After Duffy's post on racial issues, I feel like I should chime in. Part of me takes the hippie approach: "All you need is love", but I'm saying that having grown up white in a neighborhood that can best be described as 99% white. I don't know what it's like to be a minority. While I've certainly been party to being judged based on my looks, it's usually been, in my earlier days, by girls choosing to dismiss me before I even worked up the courage to talk to them at a pick-up bar -- and that is NOT discrimination, just good sense on their part.

What I'm trying to say is that, while I can claim that being raised in a loving family is "enough" for a black, white, or polka-dotted child, I have absolutely no experience in such matters. I can only say what I hope is the case, and then try to do my damnedest to make that the case.

In the current political landscape, one of the current criticisms against Barack Obama is that he isn't "black enough". What if my child goes through the exact same identity crisis? I mean, this child is going to be raised in the suburbs by white parents. Yes, we will do everything in our power to ensure that the child accepts who he/she is, and feels proud to be the person that he/she is - but, really, what if that child feels that they deserved to grow up "black"? Heck, I don't even know what that means.

I think Duffy touched beautifully on the facts of adoption - anybody who finds out that their birth parents could not / chose not to parent them is destined to have some level of abandonment issues. On top of that, we have the potential of being asked "if my birth-parents couldn't parent me, why couldn't a same-race family take me in?". Honestly, I can't say, for certain, how I would respond. I do think that race issues in this country are continually progressing to the point where "race issues" will not be a term in some future generation's vocabulary. We are not close to being there.

All we need is a voluntary, free-spirited, open-ended program of procreative racial deconstruction. Everybody just gotta keep f**n' everybody 'til they're all the same color.
- Sen. Jay Billington Bulworth, Bulworth (1998)

I guess, my last words on this are: I really, really want to be a father. I hope that's apparent to anybody who reads this and/or knows me. I firmly believe that a child raised in a two-parent household is better off than a child raised in foster care. I know that there are proportionally more black children placed into foster care in this country than any other race. I believe I can be a good father to any child. I believe that I will be a good father. I'm already doing research into what may be different in caring for a "child of color" than typical care of a white child (heck, if Duffy said that she wasn't eagerly anticipating learning how to care for a black child's hair, she'd be lying). I'm looking forward to showing my child role-models that they should follow from their own race (and yes, everybody John Coltrane will be involved in discussions of such role models). I'm looking forward to showing my child role-models that they should follow from his/her parent's ancestry (the gold spoon history of the Batzer name is actually a pretty cool story). I'm looking forward to teaching a child how to throw a curveball, and play the piano - how to read, how to drive. Yes, we're not in a race-blind country, but I like to think that being a good parent is a race-blind activity.

(sorry if this was a bit preachy)

New Poster

So, I figured it was about time that I chimed in here. While I'm in regular communication with many of you regarding the status of our baby-gettin' process, I've never made it around to actually publishing anything here. Mainly because, well, I figure this is too nice an arena for smartaleck posts - and you know me, can't lay off the snark sometimes.

We have scheduled our home inspection -- May 20th. While we're constantly told that the home inspection isn't a "big deal", I'm afraid that it is a little stressful. As I understand the need, this event is basically a check to ensure that our home is a "fit" home for a child. The social worker will want to see the house itself, see where the child's room would be, and ensure that we don't have a meth lab in our basement (we do, but it's hidden, and they'll never-ever find it . . . actually, lately, the basement has been a kind of goldfish hospice, where good goldfish go do die -- yucky fish tank, but need more fish now -- but I'm digressing in an already long parathentical aside). From my end, it means that I need to clean my s**t up. Those of you who know me know that I'm messy, although I tend to confine my messes to relatively small portions of my living area. So, sometime between now and the 20th (probably late night on the 19th), I'll clean up "my half" of the bedroom and try to make the basement presentable. In addition, we'll see about getting rid of the bulk of the junk from the basement - it's just a matter of taking apart the stupid waterbed frame that won't fit up a flight of stairs.

As far as what to expect during the inspection, I don't think it's going to be too much - the agency (Adoption from the Heart) simply needs to make sure that we're prepared to take in a child and will be able to care for it - it really shouldn't be more than that.

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With other things house-worthy, we finally have a master shower again. The leaky old drain has been replaced, the cracked shower floor couldn't be repaired again, so a whole new shell has been installed, and that damn hole in our kitchen ceiling has been patched. As I type this, the plumber is sanding drywall -- we tried to put sheets around to cover our stuff, but I have a feeling that we'll be cleaning drywall dust for awhile.

This Thursday, hopefully, we'll be picking out the flooring that will go into our newly-painted nursery (yeah, yeah, it's premature to call the "yellow" room the nursery, but that's what it is). We're looking for laminate flooring that will look like very pale wood - but we've got to go to the showroom to pick it all out - we'll see if we can post some pictures after we know what we're doing.

The Beginning of Labor Pains

The modern philosopher Dave Barry once wrote, "If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings"." And like any undertaking in our modern world, the adoption process starts with a meeting. In this case it is probably a more worthwhile meeting than most, but you think for $300 they could at least provide a sandwich tray.
I kid. It was worthwhile. There were four couples total. Two of them seemed to be in our age bracket and had recently decided on adoption over fertility treatments. The last was a slightly more mature lesbian couple, and God bless them as those lesbians knew the questions to ask. And were good note takers for the group exercises.
The day really centered around dealing with birth parents and expectations. We started with psych 101, Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs. This is when I start to realize that dealing with birth parents was going to be a lot like dealing with 8th graders. They come to the agency on all levels of the hierarchy, just like students come to the classroom on all levels. Some of them will not know where they are sleeping that night. Most will at least feel some security and have at least one person that makes them feel loved.
Then we went into this whole thing where we had to list gains and losses we would experience in the adoption and the gains and loss of a young couple who had placed their child for adoptions. (Big lesson learned: Put up for adoption is no longer a PC term. Apparently it had its origins in the pretty heinous practice of putting orphans on trains and at each stop they would be PUT UP on a crate for people to ogle and decide to adopt or not. There are a lot of other terms that are no long appropriate, such as blood relative is now genetic relative. A mother will decide to parent her child as opposed to keep her child. Stay away from real or natural parents or children.)
So the morning was kind of a lot of touchy feely psychology awareness exercises. I can't say I got any major enlightenment from it, but it was nice to have real discussions with people who are facing the same challenges we are. And we got to know S (I am trying not to use names.), the social worker, more, and I really liked what I got to know. She is definitely an advocate for everyone involved but mostly the children
The one thing that struck me about the morning was a discussion about why birth parents pick adoption in a time when there is really no more stigma attached to children out of wedlock. It comes down to stability. Birth parents do not want chaos for their children. They do not want them to be shuffled around from home to home as the parents can and can't afford different things like rent.
The real meat and potatoes came in the afternoon. First we met H. H is the Holy Grail of a birth parent. She was this 23 year old dynamo (who loved my Vera bag, thank you) of whom I was in awe. I do not think I could have been as strong as she was in her circumstances. In her words, she did not give up her daughter, she gave her daughter a life. Ultimately, when she found out she was pregnant, she decided that she wanted the child to have the life she had grown up with. She wanted to know that her child would have people who could look to her future like H knew she couldn't. Once she decided adoption was the right course for her, she fought fiercely for what she wanted for a child she loves selflessly. And she was faced with a lot of scary things including a doctor who ripped up ultra sound pictures when H asked the sex, because why did she care, she was giving the baby up. When she hadn't felt the baby kick for a while she went to the doctor's and was asked why did she care if the baby was alive or dead. Through all of this she stuck fast to what she wanted. She found a family she felt fit all of the criteria she wanted including allowing her to receive letters and pictures and exchange emails. Her daughter is her baby even if she is somebody else's child.
I am not the most religious person. Despite going to church every week, I have major issues about organized religion. However, one things I really like about the Orthodox church is some of the symbolism. One of these symbols is the candle. Each week Orthodox light candles for various things, and the flame and smoke carry the prayers to Heaven. Each week I light three candles: one for me, one for Wyatt, and one for my future child. I am going to start lighting another one for the hope of a birth mother like H.
Now the FUN really began. I want everyone to think back to every experience you have ever had that required a lot of paperwork, applying to college, HR on the first day of a new job, paying taxes, buying a house or car, applying for teaching certification, etc. OK, now double that number. Add five. That is just about the amount of paperwork we will be dealing with before all is said and done. By the way, that will be at the termination of parental rights hearing which can take place anywhere from 72 hours to a month after the baby is born depending on what state he or she is born in. That, folks who care about this kind of thing, is the time to throw a shower or party. We have a list of 22 documents we have to complete before the social worker comes and does the home study. These include an autobiography of each of us covering everything from childhood to our relationship with our parents to views on openness in adoption. The outline we have to follow while writing the autobiography is 17 points long, including subpoints. There are two questionnaires, each five pages long asking such personal questions as, "Has the doctor given you any hope of having a biological child? If, yes, what led to your decision to stop fertility treatments?" We both have to get a medical form filled out by our doctor. (Though we had to sign another piece of paper stating that we know we can not demand a birth mother gets an HIV test. It's not required. She can only do it voluntarily just like all other prenatal care.) There is a financial statement and verification of employment which must be copied onto company letterhead and signed by the head of HR. Employment history, a copy of our insurance card, and who will receive guardianship of the child should something happen to us, round it out. Oh, wait. We also have to give directions to our house.
The real fun is the background checks, PA State Police Clearance, PA Child Abuse History Clearance, and separate fingerprinting for PA and NJ.
This I think is the closest I will get to labor.
I know that the welfare of a child is the reason for all of this. How could anyone turn over a child to someone who hadn't been this thoroughly checked out? But as I look around my classroom at some of the students and what they are asked to live with on a daily basis with their biological parents, I really wonder about the order of the universe. However, that is not where I want to dwell. It is the way it is, and if it wasn't for surprise pregnancies, we wouldn't be able to be parents.
Ultimately though, I think John and I are more excited than anything else. It is the most patient excitement I have ever experienced, but it's awesome in scope. As we plan on completing a transracial adoption, we are currently researching how to raise a healthy, happy child who will not look like his or her parents and must be made aware and proud of his or her racial background. It is very interesting to read about others experiences and learn more about the world we live in even if it is sad to realize how alive racism still is. All we can do is work to combat it through love, and what greater love is there than parents' for a child?

It seems the thing to do

Well, it seems like the thing to do these days, when expecting a child or after having a child, is to have a blog to document the major and minor happenings of these life changing events. Its the new baby book.
As most of you know, John and I have been hoping to welcome a child into our lives for two and a half years now. Whoever is in charge of survival of the species by the propagation of genetically strong offspring didn't get the memo.
Last month when the infertility doctor I was seeing closed her office, it ended up being a bit of a turning point for us. We sat down and had a long talk. We had gotten to the point in the medical process where things were starting to get expensive, and the monthly emotional roller coaster of even the most minor of treatments was turning out to be more than I wanted to face.
So we have opted for a different type of carnival ride, adoption. Think of it like a merry-go-round where the only way to snag the ring is for someone else to let it go. Also, your horse is broken and not only goes up and down but side to side as well. However, if our situation has come down to spending a great deal of time and money to become parents, we feel that we want to go with the ride that even if it takes a couple of years to get all the way around to the right ring, our chance will come around eventually.
OK, enough of the metaphor. (I do still have aspirations of becoming a novelist, and it can get away from me at times). So we have spent the rest of the summer reading, cruising the Internet, and asking everyone we know who has adopted questions that are probably too personal.
On Tuesday, we go to a free meeting at an agency in Harrisburg called Adoption From the Heart. Currently, this company is the forerunner. The representative I talked to on the phone was very personable and helpful without making me feel like she was giving me a spiel. The fact that they have an office in Harrisburg is a big plus as well.

This next section gets into the knitty gritty of our research, so I won't be offend if you skip it.

Our research is also leading us in the direction of a domestic, open adoption. Through this program the agency will create a profile of us that will be made available to birthmothers/parents. If one choses us, we will meet her. From there she will decide if she feels we are the parents she wants for her child. If we are, we will be able to be at the hospital when our child is born and take him or her home from there. That is the domestic part of it. Open is when the adoptive parents and birthparents will still have contact throughout the child's life. The birthparents can be as involved as they and the adoptive parents are comfortable with. This usually means exchanging pictures and letters a couple times a year through the agency or even meeting once a year again at an event arranged by the agency.
Through my research I have also realized that if you want to see racism alive and well, look to the adoption system. Agencies often have two different programs based on a baby's race. There is the African American/biracial program and the everyone else program. Everyone else is usually at least $5,000 more than the African American/biracial program. It doesn't cost less to adopt an African American child, the cost is subsidized, because there are so many more children in this category available. Originally, we wanted to try and get in both programs, because the more birthmothers who see our profile the better, but now I think our social indignation is making us lean more towards adopting a black or biracial or purple kid.

OK, potentially boring details are over. I promise that future posts will not be this wordy. I hope. I am me after all.

So that is where we stand right now. I will send a quick post on Tuesday or Wednesday after the meeting to let everyone know how it went.