Telling the Adoption Story

By now most people understand that keeping the adoption a secret from the adoptive child/person is a bad idea. It is better that the child understands that he or she is adopted as soon as possible. This means that as adoptive parents, we are responsible for telling our son his adoption story. Parents have a variety of ways of doing this. Some have the fortunate situation in which they have back-and-forth contact with the birth parents. Some actually make an adoption book like a baby book or make the adoption forms and other information part of the baby book. There is even a trend of making a storybook specifically about the child's adoption that as they get older can be added to even by them.

John and I have taken the approach in which we talk about it naturally and just make it part of our regular lives and routines. For instance, I keep a picture of CJ and his birth mom on my phone. When we are looking through the pictures as CJ likes to do, we always stop on that one and talk about her and how he is the baby in the picture. It is one of his favorite pictures. And now that he is really talking he will say he is adopted. Actually I am trying to get him to say, I'm adopted, and I'm proud. It's a work in progress.

Months ago, I made the suggestion that we take the kids camping. John ran with it, so this weekend we ended up camping with a group of friends and their kids. It was a ton of fun. You haven't lived until you have watched three toddlers puddle jump until they are covered in mud from top to toe. 

John was very specific about where he wanted us to camp. He wanted to go back to Delaware because he wanted to take CJ back to the hospital where he was born. It was the last thing we did as we were heading home. On the way we talked about everything we did two and a half years ago. Those are the outlets where we shopped, that's the restaurant we ate at, the laundromat John did clothes at until we realized the hotel had machines on every floor, the Wal-Mart John ran to about fifty times. We told Leila how she was there but inside Mommy. And then we turned down a side street and drove past the hospital. John pointed the building out to CJ and told him that was where you were born. How when we walked into her room his birth mom told him, "Look, it's your parents!" and handed him to me.
CJ smiled and points and said, "I born!" He watched the building the whole time we drove around it (We didn't get out. Not that keen on taking my kids into a hospital if we don't need to.). He seemed actually excited. I don't know if he was picking up on the mood we were trying to set, or if he really got what we were saying, but it was a great idea to go. I am so glad John thought of it. It is so important to us to help CJ become comfortable with his adoption. We want it to be a positive thing in his life. And I am always amazed at how much he seems to understand when we talk about it. He wants to know. It is instinctive to know about our families and our origins, especially for adopted people. It was amazing to meet such a milestone for CJ this weekend. 

I Wonder

Coltrane is an affectionate kid. He is always ready with a hug and a slobber, er, kiss. More though, he needs affection given to him. CJ will always sleep better if he is being cuddled. He falls asleep more quickly in someone's arms. If he wants to watch a movie, it is not a time for me to get things done while he is occupied. It is lap time, so he can bury his head if he gets a little scared or point out his favorite parts.

Leila is not quite like this. She is a quick love. A little kiss here, a touchdown in the lap there. There is more independence in her. It lies in her fearlessness. She fears nothing, including being alone.

Now, I know this is mostly due to their natures. It is who they are. Some times though, I do wonder, if some of the difference lies in adoption.

Often adopted kids, no matter how much they are loved and love their families, have to go through a process of acceptance. Again it doesn't matter if their birth parents absolutely made the right decision not to parent. It doesn't matter if it was the hardest thing CJ's birth mom ever did to place him in my arms and our care. She still did it. He may have to spend time accepting that she chose not to parent. It was a choice. It was the right choice, but none the less, there can be pain in that.

And I do wonder at what age a child can be aware of that. Could it really be the moment when the only other person he has known, handed him to someone else? Could there be an instinctive remembrance of different? Does the journey toward acceptance start at the moment his mother made that choice? Could there be something in his brain that makes him more affectionate as a way to start on that path even before he understands why?

I know that he knows he is loved. There is no question that he loves us. But perhaps he doesn't take it for granted like his sister does. Perhaps, the showing and the being shown extra love is part of his adoption story.

Probably not. It's probably just his nature, but that doesn't stop me from wondering.

Pet Peeve

Here's a pet peeve of mine. Upon hearing the story of my children's births, inevitably there is someone who will say, "See all you had to do was relax to get pregnant." Um, no. First, saying that when I couldn't conceive was utterly non-helpful. Saying it now is just silly and makes you sound like you think you're omnipotent. Second, that time in my life was more stressful than any other I can remember. We'd gone through two failed matches, one of which involved an elaborate lie that kept us on the hook for over a month, and CJ's due date was changed from September to November. His birthmother had issues of her own so contact was spotty at best. We were tied in emotional knots, trying to be excited but so scared of being let down again. And somehow in the midst of all this, one lone sperm found an egg and decided to stay long term paying no attention to John's or my emotional states.
So, please, consider this a PSA. When you run into someone with a similar story, don't bluster. Just be pleased for them, thank God or Fate or The Flying Spaghetti Monster or Chaos, and tell them both kids are adorable. Don't analyze or guess or in any way try to figure out why it happened just glory in the fact that it did.
Thank you for your time.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Innocent Questions without Innocent Answers

At this moment I am trying to think of a time I have gone out in public, mostly shopping, and I haven't been asked about the kids' age difference. I can't think of one single time, and it even goes back to when I was pregnant. I can always see the question in the person's eyes before they even ask. And really, I have no problem explaining our situation, and I haven't gotten any inappropriate responses... yet. (This would include: Do you love them the same? How much did he cost? Why did his mother give him up? Etc.) I do get a lot of stories about other people who had the same thing happen.
My favorite scenarios is the person who pauses for a moment, squints, then tentatively asks, "Are they twins?" Sometimes, I am just tempted to say, "Yes." It's easier. I don't mind explaining myself, but sometimes, I just don't want to tell our family story to everyone.
And I worry about it when the kids get older. They are going to be asked about this a lot. Should they have to explain their story to curious people all the time? And what if they do encounter someone who asks one of those inappropriate follow up questions? Both John and I have read a lot about helping kids deal with these situation, and I think we can give them a good arsonal of replies. Still though, it sucks that they need to have them.
I am a little tempted to just tell them to lie and say they are twins.

FINALLY Finalization

Ahem, the finalization paperwork came on Saturday August 21st. The hoops have all been jumped through. The legal system now acknowledges what we have known since he was placed in our arms. He is all ours.

Everything, I mean, everything, was worth it. If you are someone who is reading this and waiting for your child, I mean it. EVERYTHING.

TPR!

That would be Termination of Parental Rights which happened last week. This is a big step. It pretty much means that while we are still not technically the legal guardians (AFTH is.), the birth parents have agreed (whether voluntarily or through no contact) to end all their legal rights as parents. Note: Legal Rights. CJ's mom will still have rights as the woman who gave birth to him and bravely decided to make us a family. That's our decision, not that of a government office.
Anyway, finalization will be in May. Delaware does not require our presence at finalization. At this point we are leaning towards not going as I am not sure how comfortable the car ride will be for my eight month pregnant self.
Oh, yeah, to those who read this blog outside of our sphere, we're having a baby. The kids will be seven months apart. Tee hee?

Breath Deeply

Yesterday was the birth mother's last chance to change her mind. We were pretty confident that she wouldn't, but still, there's a sigh of relief. The paperwork will take a while, but he is pretty much ours for good. Or until he's 18! Thanks, everyone, for all of your support. I can't imagine how we would have don't it without everyone pulling for us.

Blog Semi Retirement

Well, barring any complications, and I think we are due for no more complications, don't you, we are nearing the end of the beginning of our adoption process. Now that the baby is here, while we still want to discuss adoption, we want to focus more on being a family. Thus this blog will go into semi-retirement, only to be used when we have thoughts on adoption in a more general way, not our specific family way. Our family blog is Seriously, We're Parents?! This one is by permission only, but you will pretty much be admitted, I promise! See you all there!

He's Here!

The cliches are endless . . . "we've been waiting so long", "third time's the charm", "what a long, strange trip it's been". However you want to say it, that moment is here.

Our little boy -- our son -- he's with us. My writing skills are nowhere near great enough to actually portray just how happy it makes me to be able to write those words. Just know that there have been tears of happiness, smiles abound.

So, how'd we get here -- we got the call on Wednesday morning that labor may be imminent -- then, a little while later, that labor was, in fact, imminent. Duffy called me, and I ran home from work -- got home, loaded the truck, and away we went.

It's about a 4 hour drive from Carlisle to Lewes, mostly on country roads -- and it seemed every large load tractor trailer (or, in fact, every tractor) was on the road, just to make sure that it kept us on the road longer.

We got here just after 5PM (Coltrane joined us at 2:25PM), met with the birthmom who immediately said "there's your mom & dad!" I actually got the honor of feeding him his first bottle. Soon after eating, the doctor came in for a preliminary check -- heart & chest sounds were all strong & healthy. After a little while in the room with the birthmom who was a bit uncomfortable after the c-section, we were given a private room, where we hung out with the little guy for the rest of the night (we may have had the world series on at the time).

Leaving the little guy at about 9PM, we went to find a hotel to check into (Duffy had a whole week planned out, starting November 9, and of course we had to throw those plans out the window), found a Friendly's to eat a late dinner, and let the Facebook/Twitter/Text messages of congratulations pour in. After getting back to the hotel room, we fell asleep to the Yankees winning the world series (Duffy's favorite player, Hideki Matsui winning the MVP).

This morning we got up, got ready, had some breaksfast, and have spent the day at the hospital -- there's still a little while before he'll be discharged, but we've been with him all morning, and should be with him well into the night tonight. Half of the adoption paperwork has been filled out, and we'll complete the other half tomorrow.

Once all of that is done, it becomes a waiting game while the Delaware & Pennsylvania social services get everything straightened away so that we can take him home with us - but that will likely be done early next week.

Coltrane James Batzer's Statistics

Birthday	4-November-2009
Birth Time	2:25 PM
Weight	7 pounds, 11 ounces
Length	19 inches

So, now we wait - and normally waiting is not what I'm the best at -- but, well, I kind of like sitting around with not a whole lot to do with this little fella. :-) -- I do find, however, that I need to learn the words of my favorite lullabies.

NOVEMBER

We are getting down to the wire. Single digit days and counting. I just booked a hotel for a couple of nights and then a condo for our longer term stay in Delaware. Keep up all the positive energy! Thanks, everyone.

Ladies and Gentlemen, We have a head! And a date!

The very thoughtful birthmother had the agency send us these sonagram (ultrasound? Is there a difference?) pictures. One is the profile, which we can make out. The other is supposed to be the nose and lips? A prize to the first person who can figure that one out.
They have also scheduled the C Section. NOVEMBER 10TH!

Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming

Well, here we are. October. I love October. Sweater weather and hot chocolate. This October? Eh. We were not expecting to still not be parents. I wanted baby sweaters and hot formula. I mean warm formula.
It just seems that we are destined to never have anything we are told turn out that way.
When we met with the birthmom on September 5, she was supposed to go to the doctor on September 8. At that appointment, they were going to schedule a c section that was supposed to take place mid September. This, of course, has not happened. I know! Shocking, right?
Here is what has happened.
Through a series of frustrating (both for us and the birthmom) circumstances, she did not get to the doctor until last Thursday, October 1. Now, those with some powers of observation might ask, if she was to have a c section mid September, shouldn't she have gone into natural labor by October 1?
You would be correct, if... wait for it... the original dates had been correct.
They were not.
The October 1 and follow up on October 2 relieved that the September dates were, of course, off. By two months. The new due date seems to be closer to November 11.
Yeah, I know. I feel you.
It feels never ending. Some moments, I just think, what next?! What more can we be asked to take? Why hasn't it been enough already?
Then I remember, it is what it is. There is no why.
We do feel better than we did most of September. Days in September got very black at points because we had no real updates. Now we have real information. It might be slightly frustrating information, but it is concrete. And the birthmom is still set on the adoption plan. All good things.
And I figure this much. I wasn't the world's most patient person before. I wasn't an overly impatient person, but patience was not my most abundant virtue.
Now it is.
That's got to be good for a soon-to-be mom, right?

(John was always incredibly patient. Except with recalcitrant computers, but that doesn't count. 'Cause who is?)

Quick Update

Just wanted to let everyone know that we are in a holding pattern, waiting for the birthmom to go to the doctor and schedule the c section. Though there have been some craziness and some moments of high panic, due more to past experiences than anything happening with this situation, everything seems to still be on track. Hopefully, SOMETHING should have happen before the end of the month.

Interesting Video

Both DMC and Sarah McLachan are adopted. I think this song and video shows a lot of the different levels to adoption, good and less so.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PU19xA8h3FQ

The Meeting with the Birthmom

We met with the birthmom in Delaware on Saturday . . . it was a good meeting. Like the last time we met with a birthmom, we got there really early (there was a discrepancy with the "time with traffic" and the actual time it took us to drive into Milford, Delaware . . . go figure, not much traffic on a Saturday toward the end of beach season). Having some time to kill, drove to a GameStop & took advantage of Delaware's lack of a sales tax: Rock Band & a few other games for the 360, and Wii Resort.

So, after spending money that we probably shouldn't have, we drove back into Milford and pull into the restaurant a few minutes before noon - where we mention that we're going to be meeting with two others, but hey, they're here! After introductions (we all bonded over a love of food in just about any shape or form), we got into the nitty-gritty of what we were there for.

As we had known, Birthmom has four children, the first three from a long-term relationship. Then birthmom met birthdad and had a little girl just under a year ago. The timing of everything (along with false-negative pregnancy tests) lead to a delayed discovery in the pregnancy -- she only really found out five months into the journey, and that's because the "baby belly" she was carrying suddenly was turning hard. Adoption was the first thought she had.

Of course, adoption wasn't the obvious choice here -- when birthmom was young, there was an adoption situation with her elder sister, leaving a bad taste for adoption in birthmom's sister's mouth. The birthmom's sister was won over when she saw what the birthmom was working through.

Obviously, there was talk of race -- birthmom is white, birthdad is black, but I think we managed to allay any fears that we "didn't know what we were getting into". Then there were the words that most any set of adoptive parents want to hear: "I really feel like I'm just carrying this baby for somebody else". Heck - she even mentioned that she has sonogram pictures for us (they were left at home), as those work really well in the front of an baby book. Aside from the serious stuff, there was sports talk, and school talk and random chit-chat. The biggest hurdle we may have is the fact that the birthmom is in Delaware, but her eldest three are in NJ. Birthmom is working to move back to NJ, and spending as much time in NJ now as possible . . . if she were to start going into labor naturally while in NJ, we have what's known as a "three state adoption", which will add a pile of legalwork for us to get through, but it's nothing huge.

As we left, we realized that we had parked right next to the social worker & birthmom . . . made us chuckle.

Our next steps - we should know when a C-section will be scheduled within the next few days, and then it's a waiting game -- so keep watching this space, or Twitter, or Facebook . . . or just wait for a primal scream of joy -- that'll be us.

Superstitions

I suppose we all have them not matter how little we believe in fate or predestination. We cross our fingers for luck, we do the sign of the cross, we don't cross under ladders, we don't let black cats cross our path, etc.
I am developing adoption superstitions. This time it is going to work because, this, this and that were different since last time. The second time it was different because the birthmom wanted to meet us, and she wasn't interested in naming the baby.
We all know how that worked out.
You would think I would learn my lesson. Or maybe you wouldn't because you know me really well.
A) I got the call instead of John.
B) Our SW, S, got to make the call which did not happen either of the last two times.
C) The situation is in Delaware, not PA. Revocation time, 14 days, potentially from birth.
D) Here is one that I am not proud of, but crossed (there's that word again) my mind. The baby is biracial. Note: This makes no difference in my excitement or yearning for this baby vs. the last two. It is just another difference that I have noted.

My goal tomorrow is not to let these kind of observations consume me. I don't want to spend the visit dissecting it for what is different because the differences make me feel more confident. The truth is there is no sign that can say, yes, this is it! Only time will tell for sure, and dwelling on these superstitions is making this birthmom pay for the actions of the other two.
I hope I am strong enough. Wish me luck! Wait.....

Gearing Up (but a bit reserved this time)

We've been selected again.

These are more difficult words to type than one would think . . . while we're beyond excited, and everything is right around the corner for us - we're quite reserved in our elation. The first we had a "disappointment", we kind of saw it coming. We had no anger or resentment or anything of the sort. There was a birthmom who thought we were pretty cool, and if she couldn't parent her child, she would pass it to us. However, she decided to parent -- we cried, we dusted ourselves off, and we got back on our feet.

This last disappointment was much harder to take -- the anger didn't come from the fact that the birthmom chose to parent the child -- it came from the lies. And it's the fact, I think, that we held resentment, of any sort, for a birthmom, that has us putting the brakes on pure elation.

Still, this is a time for elation -- we're going to be parents. A birthmom in Delaware has chosen us -- a Cesarean section will be scheduled in mid-September. It's a boy. All signs point toward the fact that it will enter this world as a healthy boy. We're hoping to meet up with the birthmom within the next week or so -- and, obviously, we'll have more to say after that event takes place.

So, right now - continue your well wishes, your prayers, your finger crossings. They are all well appreciated. We'll post updates as we can - it's quite odd being in this position, where we just want to cry out in happiness, yet defense mechanisms are keeping us in check for right now.

What Happened This Time

Ok - this probably isn't the best venue for this, but I don't know any way around it . . . too many questions (of which I have the answer to about 2 of them).

Basically, it appears that the birthmother who chose us two months ago gave birth on July 12th, and then proceeded to lie to the adoption agency for a month. We were getting regular updates

• On July 17 (5 days after the birth), we were told that the birthmother was going off of the drugs to keep her from going into premature labor.
• While on vacation, we received notice that there was lots of movement, but no signs of labor yet.
• On August 7, we were told that they would be inducing labor on August 13.
• On August 12, we were told that the inducing was being rescheduled to August 15 and that the birthmother wanted us there at 6AM.
• Today, we found out that all of this was a lie.

As I said in my status, I'm numb - utterly numb. I've lost some faith in humanity (or, at least, human decency). I've lost a LOT of faith in the adoption process (sure, this happened to us before -- but at least we knew everything in real-time).

In the past month, I've canceled a vacation. Duffy skipped her brother's graduation. We've kept from making plans, just in case the call came -- all of this we did willingly & happily -- the pay off was going to be worth it. Now, we find out that there was a month that we could have been "in the book".

I have no animosity for any birthmother who changes her mind -- but to change your mind and lie about that fact, and to build on top of that lie. As I said, I'm numb.

Strike Two

I am not sure how to begin because today has been so bizarre. Let's see....
On Wednesday we were told that she would be induced on Saturday. We were to hang tight until Friday when the agency would be talking to the birthmother again.
At two today, I called the Lancaster office and talked to M, one of the SWs there. She said she had just talked to K, the Pittsburgh SW, who was out of the office, but who should be back between 3 and 4 and would call me then.
Within the hour M was calling back. K could not find the birthmother. She wasn't answering the cell phone and her house phone had been disconnected. Not a good sign. Finally, K got in touch with the OB/GYN. The baby was born July 12. No, that is not a typo. July 12.
No one can fathom why she would lie about being pregnant for a whole month up to the point of saying she was going to be induced, and she wanted us there. We are all bemused about that.
I would have no hard feelings if she had just changed her mind. I would be disappointed, but I would understand. But to lie like this, I just don't understand. We could have been shown to other mothers for a whole month. I missed my brother's college graduation. John cancelled a week cycling trip. We put our lives on hold for a lie.
We went back into the profile book this evening.

Not Yet

If it comes to inducing, they have moved it to Saturday. We should hopefully have more of a game plan on Friday.