The Unknown Zygote

I Wonder

2012-01-10T20:40:00.005-05:00

Coltrane is an affectionate kid. He is always ready with a hug and a slobber, er, kiss. More though, he needs affection given to him. CJ will always sleep better if he is being cuddled. He falls asleep more quickly in someone's arms. If he wants to watch a movie, it is not a time for me to get things done while he is occupied. It is lap time, so he can bury his head if he gets a little scared or point out his favorite parts.

Leila is not quite like this. She is a quick love. A little kiss here, a touchdown in the lap there. There is more independence in her. It lies in her fearlessness. She fears nothing, including being alone.

Now, I know this is mostly due to their natures. It is who they are. Some times though, I do wonder, if some of the difference lies in adoption.

Often adopted kids, no matter how much they are loved and love their families, have to go through a process of acceptance. Again it doesn't matter if their birth parents absolutely made the right decision not to parent. It doesn't matter if it was the hardest thing CJ's birth mom ever did to place him in my arms and our care. She still did it. He may have to spend time accepting that she chose not to parent. It was a choice. It was the right choice, but none the less, there can be pain in that.

And I do wonder at what age a child can be aware of that. Could it really be the moment when the only other person he has known, handed him to someone else? Could there be an instinctive remembrance of different? Does the journey toward acceptance start at the moment his mother made that choice? Could there be something in his brain that makes him more affectionate as a way to start on that path even before he understands why?

I know that he knows he is loved. There is no question that he loves us. But perhaps he doesn't take it for granted like his sister does. Perhaps, the showing and the being shown extra love is part of his adoption story.

Probably not. It's probably just his nature, but that doesn't stop me from wondering.

Pet Peeve

2011-08-17T21:06:00.001-04:00

Here's a pet peeve of mine. Upon hearing the story of my children's births, inevitably there is someone who will say, "See all you had to do was relax to get pregnant." Um, no. First, saying that when I couldn't conceive was utterly non-helpful. Saying it now is just silly and makes you sound like you think you're omnipotent. Second, that time in my life was more stressful than any other I can remember. We'd gone through two failed matches, one of which involved an elaborate lie that kept us on the hook for over a month, and CJ's due date was changed from September to November. His birthmother had issues of her own so contact was spotty at best. We were tied in emotional knots, trying to be excited but so scared of being let down again. And somehow in the midst of all this, one lone sperm found an egg and decided to stay long term paying no attention to John's or my emotional states.
So, please, consider this a PSA. When you run into someone with a similar story, don't bluster. Just be pleased for them, thank God or Fate or The Flying Spaghetti Monster or Chaos, and tell them both kids are adorable. Don't analyze or guess or in any way try to figure out why it happened just glory in the fact that it did.
Thank you for your time.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Innocent Questions without Innocent Answers

2010-10-15T12:35:00.001-04:00

At this moment I am trying to think of a time I have gone out in public, mostly shopping, and I haven't been asked about the kids' age difference. I can't think of one single time, and it even goes back to when I was pregnant. I can always see the question in the person's eyes before they even ask. And really, I have no problem explaining our situation, and I haven't gotten any inappropriate responses... yet. (This would include: Do you love them the same? How much did he cost? Why did his mother give him up? Etc.) I do get a lot of stories about other people who had the same thing happen.
My favorite scenarios is the person who pauses for a moment, squints, then tentatively asks, "Are they twins?" Sometimes, I am just tempted to say, "Yes." It's easier. I don't mind explaining myself, but sometimes, I just don't want to tell our family story to everyone.
And I worry about it when the kids get older. They are going to be asked about this a lot. Should they have to explain their story to curious people all the time? And what if they do encounter someone who asks one of those inappropriate follow up questions? Both John and I have read a lot about helping kids deal with these situation, and I think we can give them a good arsonal of replies. Still though, it sucks that they need to have them.
I am a little tempted to just tell them to lie and say they are twins.

FINALLY Finalization

2010-08-29T12:11:00.000-04:00

Ahem, the finalization paperwork came on Saturday August 21st. The hoops have all been jumped through. The legal system now acknowledges what we have known since he was placed in our arms. He is all ours.

Everything, I mean, everything, was worth it. If you are someone who is reading this and waiting for your child, I mean it. EVERYTHING.

TPR!

2010-03-09T20:18:00.000-05:00

That would be Termination of Parental Rights which happened last week. This is a big step. It pretty much means that while we are still not technically the legal guardians (AFTH is.), the birth parents have agreed (whether voluntarily or through no contact) to end all their legal rights as parents. Note: Legal Rights. CJ's mom will still have rights as the woman who gave birth to him and bravely decided to make us a family. That's our decision, not that of a government office.
Anyway, finalization will be in May. Delaware does not require our presence at finalization. At this point we are leaning towards not going as I am not sure how comfortable the car ride will be for my eight month pregnant self.
Oh, yeah, to those who read this blog outside of our sphere, we're having a baby. The kids will be seven months apart. Tee hee?

Breath Deeply

2009-11-20T21:24:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was the birth mother's last chance to change her mind. We were pretty confident that she wouldn't, but still, there's a sigh of relief. The paperwork will take a while, but he is pretty much ours for good. Or until he's 18! Thanks, everyone, for all of your support. I can't imagine how we would have don't it without everyone pulling for us.

Blog Semi Retirement

2009-11-07T09:38:00.000-05:00

Well, barring any complications, and I think we are due for no more complications, don't you, we are nearing the end of the beginning of our adoption process. Now that the baby is here, while we still want to discuss adoption, we want to focus more on being a family. Thus this blog will go into semi-retirement, only to be used when we have thoughts on adoption in a more general way, not our specific family way. Our family blog is Seriously, We're Parents?! This one is by permission only, but you will pretty much be admitted, I promise! See you all there!

He's Here!

2009-11-05T12:41:00.000-05:00

The cliches are endless . . . "we've been waiting so long", "third time's the charm", "what a long, strange trip it's been". However you want to say it, that moment is here.

Our little boy -- our son -- he's with us. My writing skills are nowhere near great enough to actually portray just how happy it makes me to be able to write those words. Just know that there have been tears of happiness, smiles abound.

So, how'd we get here -- we got the call on Wednesday morning that labor may be imminent -- then, a little while later, that labor was, in fact, imminent. Duffy called me, and I ran home from work -- got home, loaded the truck, and away we went.

It's about a 4 hour drive from Carlisle to Lewes, mostly on country roads -- and it seemed every large load tractor trailer (or, in fact, every tractor) was on the road, just to make sure that it kept us on the road longer.

We got here just after 5PM (Coltrane joined us at 2:25PM), met with the birthmom who immediately said "there's your mom & dad!" I actually got the honor of feeding him his first bottle. Soon after eating, the doctor came in for a preliminary check -- heart & chest sounds were all strong & healthy. After a little while in the room with the birthmom who was a bit uncomfortable after the c-section, we were given a private room, where we hung out with the little guy for the rest of the night (we may have had the world series on at the time).

Leaving the little guy at about 9PM, we went to find a hotel to check into (Duffy had a whole week planned out, starting November 9, and of course we had to throw those plans out the window), found a Friendly's to eat a late dinner, and let the Facebook/Twitter/Text messages of congratulations pour in. After getting back to the hotel room, we fell asleep to the Yankees winning the world series (Duffy's favorite player, Hideki Matsui winning the MVP).

This morning we got up, got ready, had some breaksfast, and have spent the day at the hospital -- there's still a little while before he'll be discharged, but we've been with him all morning, and should be with him well into the night tonight. Half of the adoption paperwork has been filled out, and we'll complete the other half tomorrow.

Once all of that is done, it becomes a waiting game while the Delaware & Pennsylvania social services get everything straightened away so that we can take him home with us - but that will likely be done early next week.

Coltrane James Batzer's Statistics
Birthday	4-November-2009
Birth Time	2:25 PM
Weight	7 pounds, 11 ounces
Length	19 inches

So, now we wait - and normally waiting is not what I'm the best at -- but, well, I kind of like sitting around with not a whole lot to do with this little fella. :-) -- I do find, however, that I need to learn the words of my favorite lullabies.

NOVEMBER

2009-11-02T12:42:00.000-05:00

We are getting down to the wire. Single digit days and counting. I just booked a hotel for a couple of nights and then a condo for our longer term stay in Delaware. Keep up all the positive energy! Thanks, everyone.

Ladies and Gentlemen, We have a head! And a date!

2009-10-22T13:42:00.000-04:00

The very thoughtful birthmother had the agency send us these sonagram (ultrasound? Is there a difference?) pictures. One is the profile, which we can make out. The other is supposed to be the nose and lips? A prize to the first person who can figure that one out.
They have also scheduled the C Section. NOVEMBER 10TH!

Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming

2009-10-04T19:52:00.002-04:00

Well, here we are. October. I love October. Sweater weather and hot chocolate. This October? Eh. We were not expecting to still not be parents. I wanted baby sweaters and hot formula. I mean warm formula.
It just seems that we are destined to never have anything we are told turn out that way.
When we met with the birthmom on September 5, she was supposed to go to the doctor on September 8. At that appointment, they were going to schedule a c section that was supposed to take place mid September. This, of course, has not happened. I know! Shocking, right?
Here is what has happened.
Through a series of frustrating (both for us and the birthmom) circumstances, she did not get to the doctor until last Thursday, October 1. Now, those with some powers of observation might ask, if she was to have a c section mid September, shouldn't she have gone into natural labor by October 1?
You would be correct, if... wait for it... the original dates had been correct.
They were not.
The October 1 and follow up on October 2 relieved that the September dates were, of course, off. By two months. The new due date seems to be closer to November 11.
Yeah, I know. I feel you.
It feels never ending. Some moments, I just think, what next?! What more can we be asked to take? Why hasn't it been enough already?
Then I remember, it is what it is. There is no why.
We do feel better than we did most of September. Days in September got very black at points because we had no real updates. Now we have real information. It might be slightly frustrating information, but it is concrete. And the birthmom is still set on the adoption plan. All good things.
And I figure this much. I wasn't the world's most patient person before. I wasn't an overly impatient person, but patience was not my most abundant virtue.
Now it is.
That's got to be good for a soon-to-be mom, right?

(John was always incredibly patient. Except with recalcitrant computers, but that doesn't count. 'Cause who is?)

Quick Update

2009-09-22T16:53:00.002-04:00

Just wanted to let everyone know that we are in a holding pattern, waiting for the birthmom to go to the doctor and schedule the c section. Though there have been some craziness and some moments of high panic, due more to past experiences than anything happening with this situation, everything seems to still be on track. Hopefully, SOMETHING should have happen before the end of the month.

Interesting Video

2009-09-08T15:17:00.003-04:00

Both DMC and Sarah McLachan are adopted. I think this song and video shows a lot of the different levels to adoption, good and less so.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PU19xA8h3FQ

The Meeting with the Birthmom

2009-09-07T06:34:00.004-04:00

We met with the birthmom in Delaware on Saturday . . . it was a good meeting. Like the last time we met with a birthmom, we got there really early (there was a discrepancy with the "time with traffic" and the actual time it took us to drive into Milford, Delaware . . . go figure, not much traffic on a Saturday toward the end of beach season). Having some time to kill, drove to a GameStop & took advantage of Delaware's lack of a sales tax: Rock Band & a few other games for the 360, and Wii Resort.

So, after spending money that we probably shouldn't have, we drove back into Milford and pull into the restaurant a few minutes before noon - where we mention that we're going to be meeting with two others, but hey, they're here! After introductions (we all bonded over a love of food in just about any shape or form), we got into the nitty-gritty of what we were there for.

As we had known, Birthmom has four children, the first three from a long-term relationship. Then birthmom met birthdad and had a little girl just under a year ago. The timing of everything (along with false-negative pregnancy tests) lead to a delayed discovery in the pregnancy -- she only really found out five months into the journey, and that's because the "baby belly" she was carrying suddenly was turning hard. Adoption was the first thought she had.

Of course, adoption wasn't the obvious choice here -- when birthmom was young, there was an adoption situation with her elder sister, leaving a bad taste for adoption in birthmom's sister's mouth. The birthmom's sister was won over when she saw what the birthmom was working through.

Obviously, there was talk of race -- birthmom is white, birthdad is black, but I think we managed to allay any fears that we "didn't know what we were getting into". Then there were the words that most any set of adoptive parents want to hear: "I really feel like I'm just carrying this baby for somebody else". Heck - she even mentioned that she has sonogram pictures for us (they were left at home), as those work really well in the front of an baby book. Aside from the serious stuff, there was sports talk, and school talk and random chit-chat. The biggest hurdle we may have is the fact that the birthmom is in Delaware, but her eldest three are in NJ. Birthmom is working to move back to NJ, and spending as much time in NJ now as possible . . . if she were to start going into labor naturally while in NJ, we have what's known as a "three state adoption", which will add a pile of legalwork for us to get through, but it's nothing huge.

As we left, we realized that we had parked right next to the social worker & birthmom . . . made us chuckle.

Our next steps - we should know when a C-section will be scheduled within the next few days, and then it's a waiting game -- so keep watching this space, or Twitter, or Facebook . . . or just wait for a primal scream of joy -- that'll be us.

Superstitions

2009-09-04T20:14:00.002-04:00

I suppose we all have them not matter how little we believe in fate or predestination. We cross our fingers for luck, we do the sign of the cross, we don't cross under ladders, we don't let black cats cross our path, etc.
I am developing adoption superstitions. This time it is going to work because, this, this and that were different since last time. The second time it was different because the birthmom wanted to meet us, and she wasn't interested in naming the baby.
We all know how that worked out.
You would think I would learn my lesson. Or maybe you wouldn't because you know me really well.
A) I got the call instead of John.
B) Our SW, S, got to make the call which did not happen either of the last two times.
C) The situation is in Delaware, not PA. Revocation time, 14 days, potentially from birth.
D) Here is one that I am not proud of, but crossed (there's that word again) my mind. The baby is biracial. Note: This makes no difference in my excitement or yearning for this baby vs. the last two. It is just another difference that I have noted.

My goal tomorrow is not to let these kind of observations consume me. I don't want to spend the visit dissecting it for what is different because the differences make me feel more confident. The truth is there is no sign that can say, yes, this is it! Only time will tell for sure, and dwelling on these superstitions is making this birthmom pay for the actions of the other two.
I hope I am strong enough. Wish me luck! Wait.....

Gearing Up (but a bit reserved this time)

2009-08-26T13:36:00.002-04:00

We've been selected again.

These are more difficult words to type than one would think . . . while we're beyond excited, and everything is right around the corner for us - we're quite reserved in our elation. The first we had a "disappointment", we kind of saw it coming. We had no anger or resentment or anything of the sort. There was a birthmom who thought we were pretty cool, and if she couldn't parent her child, she would pass it to us. However, she decided to parent -- we cried, we dusted ourselves off, and we got back on our feet.

This last disappointment was much harder to take -- the anger didn't come from the fact that the birthmom chose to parent the child -- it came from the lies. And it's the fact, I think, that we held resentment, of any sort, for a birthmom, that has us putting the brakes on pure elation.

Still, this is a time for elation -- we're going to be parents. A birthmom in Delaware has chosen us -- a Cesarean section will be scheduled in mid-September. It's a boy. All signs point toward the fact that it will enter this world as a healthy boy. We're hoping to meet up with the birthmom within the next week or so -- and, obviously, we'll have more to say after that event takes place.

So, right now - continue your well wishes, your prayers, your finger crossings. They are all well appreciated. We'll post updates as we can - it's quite odd being in this position, where we just want to cry out in happiness, yet defense mechanisms are keeping us in check for right now.

What Happened This Time

2009-08-14T18:24:00.000-04:00

Ok - this probably isn't the best venue for this, but I don't know any way around it . . . too many questions (of which I have the answer to about 2 of them).

Basically, it appears that the birthmother who chose us two months ago gave birth on July 12th, and then proceeded to lie to the adoption agency for a month. We were getting regular updates

On July 17 (5 days after the birth), we were told that the birthmother was going off of the drugs to keep her from going into premature labor.
While on vacation, we received notice that there was lots of movement, but no signs of labor yet.
On August 7, we were told that they would be inducing labor on August 13.
On August 12, we were told that the inducing was being rescheduled to August 15 and that the birthmother wanted us there at 6AM.
Today, we found out that all of this was a lie.

As I said in my status, I'm numb - utterly numb. I've lost some faith in humanity (or, at least, human decency). I've lost a LOT of faith in the adoption process (sure, this happened to us before -- but at least we knew everything in real-time).

In the past month, I've canceled a vacation. Duffy skipped her brother's graduation. We've kept from making plans, just in case the call came -- all of this we did willingly & happily -- the pay off was going to be worth it. Now, we find out that there was a month that we could have been "in the book".

I have no animosity for any birthmother who changes her mind -- but to change your mind and lie about that fact, and to build on top of that lie. As I said, I'm numb.

Strike Two

2009-08-14T18:05:00.003-04:00

I am not sure how to begin because today has been so bizarre. Let's see....
On Wednesday we were told that she would be induced on Saturday. We were to hang tight until Friday when the agency would be talking to the birthmother again.
At two today, I called the Lancaster office and talked to M, one of the SWs there. She said she had just talked to K, the Pittsburgh SW, who was out of the office, but who should be back between 3 and 4 and would call me then.
Within the hour M was calling back. K could not find the birthmother. She wasn't answering the cell phone and her house phone had been disconnected. Not a good sign. Finally, K got in touch with the OB/GYN. The baby was born July 12. No, that is not a typo. July 12.
No one can fathom why she would lie about being pregnant for a whole month up to the point of saying she was going to be induced, and she wanted us there. We are all bemused about that.
I would have no hard feelings if she had just changed her mind. I would be disappointed, but I would understand. But to lie like this, I just don't understand. We could have been shown to other mothers for a whole month. I missed my brother's college graduation. John cancelled a week cycling trip. We put our lives on hold for a lie.
We went back into the profile book this evening.

Not Yet

2009-08-12T20:47:00.001-04:00

If it comes to inducing, they have moved it to Saturday. We should hopefully have more of a game plan on Friday.

Update but not THE UPDATE

2009-08-06T17:13:00.003-04:00

Hi Everyone, still no sign of labor! The doctor will induce on the 13th if the baby hasn't decided to start things himself. Our agency SWs have worked with the hospital SW, so we have a room for us and the baby. They give it the fancy name of nesting room. The plan is that we will be given care of the baby as soon as possible after birth. Seriously, so far this has been a wonderful situation with all parties involved. We feel well cared for and feel that the birthmom and baby are getting everything they need as well. Keep your eyes on the blog and facebook for the quickest updates.

Just Checking In

2009-07-28T16:50:00.001-04:00

Hey, everyone, just wanted to let you know that we are still in the waiting game. Everything is still looking good. The little guy just has to decide he's ready to see the world.

I'm driving a Volkswagen in San Francisco

2009-06-28T18:32:00.004-04:00

The clutch is burnt out and all the blood is draining to my hip. (OK, this quote isn't part of the except, but you get the idea.) That feeling hits me at least three times a day. Panic is not a fun wall to run into and I slam into it at odd times. For instance, one of the tabloids is running a story about Neil Patrick Harris having a baby through a surrogate. (Haven't checked to see if that is true, but if so, go Dr. Horrible, go!) Which of course leads me to think about the adoption. Now comes the moment. Will it be a positive, "I feel good about this one", or will it be "Dear God, this is still just a crap shoot". I don't know what minute changes in psyche, chemical balances, or barometric pressure makes the difference, but dealing with the latter option is not easy. I am now queen of the self talkdown.
Now, I do feel 99% confident in this adoption especially after the meeting with the birthmom. I hope after meeting us, she is thinking of him as ours as well as hers. I did get that feeling.
That makes me feel very confident. But the worm of a panic usually starts with... Will that be the case when he is a baby and not a fetus? There is no way to tell. John and I have agreed that we need to do our best to be positive and assume this is it, otherwise the fear will keep what is exciting about this time at bay. We don't want that. We don't want to miss out on being expectant parents out of fear. Part of that is sharing things. That also means that everyone we share with has to share in the fear and will share in the potential grief if things do not go our way.
I am so glad so many care so much about us that they are willing to take on the burden with us. We will all be rewarded with great joy. Let's hope that is in August. Or July. Maybe. What?

PS - FYI A good way to alleviate the panic is to prepare something in the nursery or buy an outfit or add stuff to the registry.

The Future Over Cheddar Bay Biscuits

2009-06-19T19:58:00.003-04:00

Of which we brought home six. There is crack in those biscuits, I am convinced. You ain't fooling me, Oh Lobster of the Crimson Hue.
So the meet up was set for 2 PM. We got there at 12:30. Natch. Fortunately there was a small mall next door. We used a Bon Ton gift card and picked up The Ghostbusters video game and the new Smash Hits for Guitar Hero at Game Stop. All in all, an unplanned, but successful mall outing.
Back at Red Lobster at about 1:45. SERIOUSLY nervous. John kept jerking his head and craning every time it looked like someone was coming to the door. It was like the dogs in Up. SQUIRREL! BIRTHMOM!
J, the birthmom, and two social workers from the Pittsburgh area office came in pretty much at 2 PM. I think this could define awkward moment, but we all recovered quickly. By the time the Ultimate Fondue was served, we were all old friends.
J is super sweet and funny. She already really liked us from our profile and video, and after getting over her initial nervousness, we were all good. We talked about her kids and plans. We showed her some more pictures and the totally geeky video tour I made of our house. We did discuss the challenges of white parents raising a black child, but I think we addressed it well and raised her confidence over that potentially worrisome aspect. We were there for almost two and a half hours which I think is a positive.
All in all, I am as optimistic as I will allow myself to be. She seems very committed to the adoption. She even said she would like one of us in the delivery room. She is allowed two people. One will be her mother, so if John and I can make it there before the birth, we will have to figure out how to handle that. But I thought it was a great gift for her to give us the opportunity.
As to further contact, at this point she does want pictures and letters, but she doesn't think she will want visits. We told her we are comfortable with whatever she wants, and if she wants to change her mind at any point, we would be willing to adapt.
So now we wait for a call from the social worker telling us J went into labor. That should be late July, early August. She has gone several weeks early with each of her other children, and she is currently on injections to stop early labor.
So that was our day. It ended with hugs all around. What could be better than that?

Match and Hopefully Set and Game

2009-06-09T15:17:00.003-04:00

OK. So. Here we are. Again.

So after the disappointment in April, I felt the need to seek counseling. I needed someone to listen who was not emotionally invested in the situation. I love all of you, and you love me, thus, emotional investitude (Look at me I can make up words. I could be president!). So on Monday in my session, my therapist pointed out that I was spending a lot of time worrying about other people, and that it was OK to be selfish and want this adoption for myself. Those of you who know me, know that is often not an easy thing for me to do. In an effort to be proactive for myself, I called AFTH in hopes of getting some information and discussing why things weren't happening for us when they really should be. I talked to R., one of the social workers, and we discussed a variety of issues. I felt better at the end of the conversation. She also mentioned that she knew we were being shown to a mother in Pittsburgh, and we had a good chance as we are one of only a handful of people in the program wanting a full AA baby. Righty-o.
Within the hour, John was calling me to tell me we had been chosen by the mother in Pittsburgh. She is due with a boy on August 7th. Never before has summer vacation seemed so long!
We found out today that the birthfather is signing all the necessary paperwork and agreeing to the adoption. We will be meeting the mother next Friday.
The goal will be to try and stay positive and remembering to be excited. I admit to much more trepidation than last time. I made myself buy baby stuff yesterday and today. But my heart still sank a little when I saw a missed call on my phone from AFTH. It was good news, about the birthfather's decision to sign, but my mind did not go to good news first.
I think visiting with the birthmom will help!
Updates as warrented.

They Just Keep Coming.

2009-05-23T15:40:00.002-04:00

Earlier this week a friend I have met through the adoption process forwarded me an email from her agency. She had a placement last month with a beautiful baby boy through an outside agency. The email was about a situation with a mother in Michigan, pregnant with a biracial boy. While I am not looking for outside situations, we certainly weren't going to ignore one that fell in our lap. We contacted the agency. On Tuesday night, during Wing Night, I received a call from a lawyer in PA. Things get a little convoluted. The mom in Michigan was actually working with a small agency in PA, Adoption Network Associates. They didn't have a family that fit her profile, so Andrea, the lawyer who runs the agency, contacted Keane in Michigan. That was who the email was from, but the call was from Andrea in PA. So we were back and forth on the phone Tuesday, she had a family who wouldn't make up their mind if it was a situation they wanted to pursue. But Andrea really liked us and thought the situation would be a good fit. Finally, Wednesday, she called John and asked us to overnight a profile to the birthmom. Fedex is crazy, yo. And expensive, but would be totally worth it if this worked out.
I talked to Andrea when I sent the profile to ask about an address thing, and I found out that there was another family. They were a biracial couple in their forties with two tweens. It was basically going to come down to how important it was to the birthmom that the family be biracial.
Turns out it was very important. She chose the other family.
Why, Duffy, why did you go into this long story just to give us another disappointment?
Sorry, this is how it plays out, people. I don't make them up, I just write about them. And live through them.
I was more bummed than I thought I was going to be. However, each one gets us a step closer to the right one and provides a lesson, and this time an opportunity. We really liked Andrea at ANA, and she really liked us. They are just a small nonprofit adoption agency. She really wanted us to send her information and even go out and meet her. We are going to pursue that. Even if AFTH comes through soon, we could choose to use ANA for a second adoption in the future.
Birthmom, you are out there. We will wait for you. We will hang in there if you will!

Update

2009-05-19T21:36:00.002-04:00

So we had a situation call this weekend. It was another baby in Harrisburg, a boy born Friday, and the placement was going to be quick. I knew when I hadn't heard anything on Sunday, that this wasn't our time. However, this one at least lead to an adoption. I guess I am disappointed, but really I am more relieved to know that these calls can lead to an adoption. We were the second choice, but the new parents were picked based on location. They were in NYC, and the mother thought that would be a good fit for her baby. I can't fault her for that. I really feel fine about it.
I was also told by the agency that we are the only "traditional" family in the AA program at this time. The SW I was talking to said that she really feels we will be getting a call anytime now as she knows there are mothers in the process of choosing and "traditional" families usually are chosen over less traditional families. People like the familiar.
That information is a double-edged sword!
Do what you do, everyone, to send us the mojo!

Moral Compass Vs. I WANT A BABY NOW

2009-05-14T21:32:00.002-04:00

One of the ways in which adoption is like pregnancy is that there are many ways to go about it. Some pregnant women work out for the entire pregnancy. Others until they show. Some not at all. You can find out the gender or not. There are a lot of choices that have no right or wrong. It is a personal choice.
We did a lot of second guessing of our choices. Well, mostly I did. I wish I had the logic and long sighted gene John does.
Before our match we were joining another agency, and I was scouring web sites of agencies who had situations listed that they were having trouble finding families for.
In doing this, I was overlooking some of the original reasons we went with AFTH. First, they are nonprofit. Also they are inclusive allowing single people and gay couples to adopt. They give lifetime support to the birthparents. Yes, it had been a longer wait than we were anticipating. But it is the right wait. The other agency is an amazing agency that has helped create many families. But it never felt "right" for us like it has felt right for others. However, they gave us a wait time of one to three months, and I fixated on that and ignored some of the things that didn't feel like a good fit to me. Some people, even ones I love very much, would say SO WHAT? Do what you need to do to get a baby.
Maybe they are right. All I know is that when that was what I was thinking, I was really unhappy and obsessive.
This is also why we won't be joining the Caucausian program at AFTH. It is not the right fit for us. I was forgetting the reasons why we went into the AA program in the first place. Stepping back from the pain of the last month, I realized that $3,000 can be spent in a much more productive way once we have a beautiful baby with cocoa skin and luscious black curls.
So we are sticking with AFTH. Yes, there have been some foibles. Yes, there are times I wish they ran more like a business than a non-profit. But they make us feel comfortable. Their philosophy fits ours.
I need my life not to be all about the adoption. When I was obsessing with joining a new agency and finding situations with other agencies, I was not in a healthy place. I need to get into a healthy place. Part of that is comparmentilizing the adoption. Right now that means leaving the adoption in AFTH's hands.

My Wish List

2009-05-12T21:41:00.003-04:00

1. Next time, we get no lead time. I want a call in which we are told to get to a hospital ASAP.
2. If #1 doesn't happen, the birthparent(s) insists on meeting us.
3. Next time is a NJ adoption.
4. I don't care about gender. I'd love a little hermaphrodite.
5. The agency stops needing money, and let's us into the Caucasian program for free instead of waiting until we can come up with $3,000. And the $6,000 more it will cost if we are matched in the program. That's right, kids, non AA babies cost $9,000 more. Civil rights movement, what?
6. The phone rings as soon as I post this.

Where I Stand Now

2009-04-29T08:35:00.002-04:00

I hesitate to post this. One of the goal's of this blog was to be completely open and honest about the adoption process not only on a factual level but an emotional one as well. But it is starting to feel like I have some kind of Muenchhausen syndrome, garnering attention through my pain. So this is your warning, if you are tired of listening to my pain, stop reading now. I won't be hurt. Feel free to leave comments telling me to shut up and suck it up. No don't. You know me.

What scares me the most is being consumed by the process. Once we were matched, we knew that on the baby's birthday that someone would be a happy parent(s), and somone would be grieving. We ended up being the grieving ones. And I am starting to feel like that is all I am ever going to feel. I am having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel because I feel like the tunnel has collapsed. My mind knows that is not true, but my heart can't believe that I will be a mom someday. (God, that's a design flaw. Really, the brain should have way more control over the heart. You'd save yourself a lot of messes that way.) I am in constant conflict, and I am afraid I am losing myself to that conflict.
I want a child because my life is wonderful. I want to share that will a little one. I want to know that I can make a baby's life wonderful too and through that make the world a little better. But the process as been so full of sorrow and frustration, I feel like what I have that is so wonderful is dulling. And I don't want that. It will make me bitter and unhappy. I am just not sure what is going to polish it back up.I suppose the polish is supposed to be the baby. That is a lot to put on a little pair of shoulders. I don't want my complete happiness to be riding on this one thing. Parenthood will never be fulfilling that way. And I am also sick of feeling sorry for myself and everyone else feeling sorry for me. I hate getting attention this way. Look at me because my pathetic uterus won't get the job done, and some poor girl dashed my hopes to save her own. (This is the Catch-22 of this blog.)
Those are the down times. They come and go. Ultimately my brain does end up taking back over. I look at John and once again am awed by how much I love him. And then overwhelmed by how much he loves me. Then we laugh about something personal, go on a bike ride, cuddle on the couch with the pets, get frustrated with the dogs, go on a car trip to visit friends, meet family or friends for dinner, or just sleep in, and I feel ever so lucky. The list of life's goals is endless if you let it be. This one goal is proving to be harder than I ever thought possible. I will make sure the other goals that I have will not be overshadowed or destroyed. The struggle has just been more prometheanian these last two weeks. And it doesn't look like it is going to get any easier.
I am glad I have so much support from so many, especially John. That is my buoy. My marriage is my joy that can never be touched by any sadness.
Except maybe the horde of lunchtime plastic containers in his car.

All Quiet on the Western Front

2009-04-20T15:13:00.002-04:00

Well not really quiet, but my current level of emotional ability has me contemplating the war story by Erich Remarque. It is the story of German trench soldiers during WWI, and the desensitization to war they go through. Yet they keep on fighting because otherwise there is only death.
We keep on fighting.
There is no choice because we know that we are meant to be parents. It is as simple as that. We will be parents because we make the choice to be.
"It was, he thought, the difference between being dragged into the arena to face a battle to the death and walking into the arena with your head held high. Some people, perhaps, would say that there was little to choose between the two ways, but Dumbledore knew - and so do I, thought Harry, with a rush of fierce pride, and so did my parents - that there was all the difference in the world."
OK, OK, maybe not exactly like that, but you get my point. And I got to get Harry Potter in there, so score!
We cried. We hugged. We got a little drunk. We gathered with family.
And now we move on.
We talked to our SW today to get back into the book.
She emailed us an hour later with a situation they have in MD. She had to contact us because the agency is not licensed in MD, so we would need to pay a fee to a lawyer in MD to take care of the paperwork.
No other information than that. We will keep you posted.

We are also considering joining the Caucasian program (which means White, Hispanic/Latino, Asian, and any combination) just to open ourselves to more families.
We are not, at this time, continuing with the national agency we were starting out with before this disappointment came up. It doesn't feel right for us. We like AFTH.
We will be starting the homestudy renewal as well. It is only good for a year, and it was completed last May 10th. Time flies when you are having fun, doesn't it?

Thanks to everyone for all of your support, both during the good and the bad. It means a lot to us.

Disappointment

2009-04-18T17:38:00.001-04:00

The baby was born this morning, and the birth mother has decided to parent her.
We wish her the best of luck.
My head tells me that I would never want a baby when the mother would have any regrets and could think it was not the best decision.
My heart is having a little trouble catching on.
Please don't make any comments, calls, tweets, texts, emails, etc. We need to process and grieve on our own for a little while. We will let everyone know when we are back on track.
Thank you for all of your support. It means a lot to us.

A little more information - spoiler alert!

2009-04-13T17:12:00.002-04:00

While the birth mother has been unsure about sharing the baby's gender (We figured she didn't know.), we found out today that it appears to be a little girl! Now she just has to decide it's time to make an appearance.

No, this is not THE POST

2009-04-11T17:01:00.004-04:00

Just wanted everyone to know that we are still on baby watch, waiting for the phone to ring. In the meantime, the nursery is all ready to go!

I am having a little trouble fighting off some paranoia about this all slipping through our fingers. It's not bad, but every once in a while I get a little panic attack. I then try and find something baby related to do. I am officially done with school for the year as leaving on the last day before Spring Break was the least disruptive for everyone, but it means a lot of time on my hands. I am doing the best to relax since there won't be much time for that soon. Still I am not use to this much leisure time. It's a tad disconcerting.

Dear Little One

2009-04-07T09:40:00.002-04:00

I want you to know that I haven't been sleeping . . . see, we're waiting for a phone call, and my mind is on high alert. Each little noise - the wind, a dog's snore, my own creaky joints creaking - makes me think that it might be a phone ringing, and I'm waking myself up, just in case

I want you to know that I'm more excited than I've ever been in my life. I've had some great moments, but this is pushing all of them aside.

I want you to know that you're entering into a world that is going to love you. People I barely know can't wait to hear about you. People love you without even knowing your name. Everybody is just so excited for your arrival.

I want you to know that I'm scared. You're going to be quite the responsibility -- I've never doubted my ability or desire to be a father, but I hope I don't let you down.

I want you to know that I'm going to spoil you. Sure, I'll put up a hard face sometimes, but you'll likely always, always win.

I want you to know that family is not just blood -- you're going to have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins -- some will be related to you, some will not. All of them will love you.

I want you to know that I can't wait to introduce you to everybody. I don't know your name yet, but you're already my pride & joy.

Registry

2009-04-01T18:11:00.002-04:00

We succumbed and registered at Target. The little drool machines are expensive.

Dear Baby

2009-03-21T22:06:00.003-04:00

Dear Baby,

It is not my heart you live beneath. The steady rhythm of my life is not your lullaby. My breath does not sustain you. It will not be my sweat and pain that will bring you into the world. I am in awe of your mother who possesses the wisdom of Solomon and the bravery of the mother who loves you so much she will give us a piece of herself. It will be my job to teach you to lift your head high and sing the story of all who love you as a proud heir to the imperfect world.
Then you will be my heart. My voice will be your lullaby. My sweat and pain will be part of your growing and loving as will my laugh and kisses and hugs.
When we meet you our family will be complete.
Please hurry!
Love, Mommy

And that day is now

2009-03-20T14:02:00.004-04:00

For the faithful were patient -- and were at last rewarded

-- Not a Bible passage, but it's been running through John's head

Just got a phone call from Adoption from the Heart. Duffy & I are going to be parents! Details are still scarce, and our brains are working really, really, really fast right now -- will post details as details become apparent.

Birthmother is 22 years old

Birthfather is a 35 year old asshole -- location unknown. Legal steps are being taken to ensure that he has no claim to the child after birth

Due date is April 7

All signs point toward a healthy baby -- a slightly elevated pre-natal glucose level (but tnot to the level of gestational diabetes)

Birthmother is currently in West Virginia, but has had all pre-natal care in central PA and plans to give birth in central PA

Birthmother's mother is 100% supportive of her daughter's decision

Sex of the child is unknown at this time

Birthmother has not yet decided if she wants to meet Duffy or I right now

New Profile

2009-03-17T19:55:00.002-04:00

Here is the profile for American. It is much more extensive the AFTH because they do not do a video. I think both ways have their merits.

American Profile

Here is a link to the entry about the AFTH profile if you want to compare.

AFTH Profile

FYI - There is no way to take a picture of three dogs, two humans, and a cat on a camera timer delay. I also decided I was going nuts and putting a lot of other frustration on this stupid picture. I am going to leave it alone. The current picture is fine. It's not going to make the difference. Next time someone is around, I will try and get him or her (read Alex) to take the picture.

Observing My Own Behavior

2009-03-17T11:39:00.004-04:00

The first thing anyone who is adopting must do it embrace the uncontrollable nature of the process. "I am a leaf on the wind.", so to speak. You are along for the ride as there is only so much you can do. You can tilt a certain way to keep the leaf on course, but ultimately you are not allowed to make any important decisions until the baby is here, and the appropriate paperwork is signed. So what do you do? When you are allowed to, you tilt that leaf with all of your might. You become obsessed with moving that leaf any which way you can to make it go just a little faster.
Case in point. We are finishing up our profile with American Adoptions. J has asked us for a better picture of us with our pets than the one we sent. Can you guess what my day is now revolving around? Ding! You got.
Can I convince John to play sick and go home right now, so we can take the picture and send it today?
OK, no.
Can we do it tonight, so it gets there tomorrow?
Possible?
How the heck are we going to get them all together and have to set the camera timer because by the time we are both home it is going to be 9 PM and I can't ask someone to come over at that hour to take the picture? (This obsession overrides even my need to correct all run-ons.)
Where are we going to do it?
Should I brush the dogs beforehand?
Should I put a bow on Pip?
Well, you get the idea. Because I have no idea what one little thing is going make a birth parent catch our leaf.
And somewhere inbetween these thoughts I have to mold the literary minds of the future.
And teach a bunch of high school kids some appreciation for Shakespeare.
And work out.
And bond with my brother over clay.
And complete a Masters Degree.

This blog entry is dedicated to Joss & Wash.

It Could Have Been My Due Date

2009-03-10T21:39:00.003-04:00

Here is a secret hope of potential adoptive parents. At least this potential adoptive parent. You can get a kid in less than nine months. It's one thing we have over all of you breeders.
Well, today was nine months to the day that we went on the waiting list with AFTH.
Balls.
Anyway, moving on.
First, Zoe for Life. Yeah, remember them? The Orthodox organization that works with women in crisis pregnancies? The one we sent info to in December and never heard anything? Then I finally called in January and was told that we had to be approved by some committee? Right. I knew you all remembered. Well, I finally heard from a very nice overworked lady. Apparently we have been in their adoption book since we sent the stuff in December.
Right. Good, I guess?
Moving on.
We talked with our Adoption Specialist, hence forth known as J, from American Adoptions,today. She did a review of our Adoptive Parent Questionnaire, hence forth, the APQ. This is the document used to match us with potential birthmoms. She feels that we have a good level of openness that will give us a high level of exposure. Yes, I assure you this is an adoption and not our latest advertising campaign. Wait, on second thought....
That is EXACTLY what it is.
American has a template for the profile. We had to send them text and a lot of pictures, including at least 8 to 10 of us as a couple. That was hard. We are always the ones taking pictures. Anyway, the graphic design company should be sending us a copy early next week. J will make some revision suggestions, and we will send any changes. We should be ready to go active in two to three weeks.
American is also not opposed to giving wait time estimates.
J said the stastics show that we should be matched within three months.
Yay?
There would have been no question mark nine months ago.

Blergh, PA, Blergh

2009-03-03T21:31:00.002-05:00

So my fingerprints expired as I explained before. (I should rob something.) The fingerprinting place is open on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays from 8:15 to 11:15 and then from 12:15 to 3:45 when there is a full moon and cows walk backwards.
I went there today because, you know, this is kinda important. I need the friggin' FBI's permission to be a parent. If only gang members did too. ANYWAY, I get there and....
DUE TO TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES THE FINGERPRINTING OFFICE IS CLOSED. WE ARE SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE.
Oh, and there is a phone number.
So I call.
THE ENTIRE COGENT (The company that handles fingerprinting) SYSTEM FOR PA WAS DOWN. THE. ENTIRE. SYSTEM.
My will, she is broken. My uterus couldn't do it even with the ovaries help. It took the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania and the bloated vender that they hired. At least it wasn't Halliburton.

Catch-22

2009-02-26T10:18:00.002-05:00

Well, my honors students are dutifully plugging away at the research notes, so I have a couple of minutes to share news.
The mother in Georgia chose a family who already had children as she wanted her daughter to have siblings. Now, that is totally her right. I can understand that. I want my children to have siblings, hence the plural. However, that cannot happen until we have a first child. It has to happen to somebody. Most of us survive quite well until siblings come along. I know that there were several placements with AFTH for which we were probably considered, but mothers picked families with children. It's like the job interview that you nail, but they want you to have more experience. How can you get the experience if they won't give you the job?
Plus, you know there is nothing like trying to explain your life, relationship, views on adoption and parenthood, and personality in 500 words or less along with a handful of pictures. It's like an open house for your souls. Hm, they could have cleaned up more before letting people in. It's a little dusty in the religion center. Not sure how I feel about that.
Anyway, onward and upward. This at least means that all the paperwork we did last week and weekend are not in vain. American should have our materials in hand by now, so we will keep you posted on any movement with them. Our SW at AFTH is working on sending them materials American needs for the home study. Balls are in the air (heh). And of course there is always the chance we will receive a call from AFTH at all times.

A Pithy Title Is Just Not Coming to Me

2009-02-21T15:36:00.002-05:00

Hello to All, I figured it was time for an update.
In our mailbox currently waiting for the mailman on Monday is a package of materials for American Adoptions. It includes 64 pictures and an eight page word document all of which is supposed to explain us to birth parents. There is also the APQ, Adoptive Parent Questionnaire, which covers all of the circumstances of a situation we would be comfortable with. They also sneak a quiz in there. They don't call it a quiz, but there are questions that you can only answer if you have read their 80 page manual. This is all stuff that we covered with our current agency in meetings and seminars. A national agency can't do that, so manual.
Another difference is that they use a graphics company to complete the profile, hence why we had to send pictures and a word doc instead of creating our own. This one will also be four pages long and cover a lot more than our current profile does. However, they don't do videos, so give and take. The give and take includes the fees.
Our SW at AFTH will also have to send them some information to update our home study. The more states involved with an agency the more guidelines you have to meet. And I have to get refingerprint which I don't get. THEY HAVEN'T CHANGED.
So that is where we stand with that. HOWEVER.....
We also know that American has sent our profile to a mother in GA who is looking to place her baby girl who will be born in March. This was another situation that the agency presented on the web site. So we will probably know something about that early this week. She had a good number of families to look at, so it's another dart board situation.
Of course, she will probably pick us now that we have finished all of the paperwork to join the agency. Because that's the way Murphy rolls.

Not This Time

2009-02-06T07:34:00.002-05:00

I received an email from American Adoptions yesterday informing us that the birth mother chose another family.
We really liked the interaction with American Adoptions, so we are going ahead and joining. We originally shied away from a large agency because we didn't want to have to pay a lot of travel expenses, but they have a real need for families in their African American program. Larger means a bigger budget for marketing. The only thing I have really found unpleasant is that they require couples to be married which is a way of leaving out single parents and gay couples.
And we are having to really look at the finances. Yet another consequence of the economy is that there are more babies in the adoption system but less families able to afford adoption. We are feeling that pinch a little too. Our savings has taken a hit, and if we end up adopting through American, it isn't really more money than AFTH, but it is more at one big lump sum.
Personally, I am still pulling for AFTH. They are more local, more open, and can insure a SW will be at the hospital which American can't. But at this point, we want ourselves out there as much as possible.

Postive Thoughts Are Needed

2009-01-28T18:13:00.003-05:00

Remember when I mentioned the national agency? Well, sometimes when they have unique situations they post them on their web site. Sometimes the birthmoms have specific requests like religion or couples who live in the same state or area. Sometimes it is sad things like drug exposure or health problems. Sometimes it's not. The wife component of the couple we know who are awaiting an adoption through American Adoptions sent me an email today about one of the situations. It is a set of twins in North Carolina due in April. They are full African American which seems to be the reason that they are having some placement trouble. Obama is just a step people! He hasn't ended racism. Be watchful and insistant in our vigilance for equality.
Anyway, there are a couple of things we have to do, but it looks like we are going to be considered by this birthmom. We had to send the profile we did for AFTH, and AFTH has to send them a copy of our home study. If we end up matched we will have to do a little scrambling as it is twice as much as we were planning on spending, but well two kids, we're done, and we get the double tax credit. We will figure it out. Where there's a will and all of that....
So thoughts and prays and all of that. Again. And again until it's right.
Oh, they are a boy and a girl.

A Pet Peeve

2009-01-17T11:20:00.004-05:00

Did anyone see this “movie”, Expecting a Miracle on the hallmark channel? Probably not because most of you have something better to do on a Friday night than watch the Hallmark Channel even if you are at home watching TV. I, however, had a tetanus shot on Wednesday that has taken me down like the flu. The only thing on that might have been worse was the car auctions on Speed. Anyway...

Basically, a couple, played by Jason Priestley (When did he get bow-legged? Is that a result of prison?) and Terri Polo (who I use to like), who after years of infertility treatments is on the verge of divorce. A magical Mexican village (where everyone speaks perfect English, of course) and its inhabitants (Boy, have Cheech's and Chong's careers diverged.) help then find each other again, and they decide to adopt. SPOILER: At the end of the movie they are filling out adoption paperwork when the wife gets sick. Of course she is pregnant.

OK, yes, we are adopting because of infertility. If I got pregnant at this point, I would be excited, but no more so than I would be if we got THE CALL. I do not see pregnancy as better than an adoption. I will admit, I think getting pregnant is overall a more straightforward way of getting a kid, but not a better one. Society may play lip service to adoption as an option, but it is still seen as second rate. Yes, it has been a really hard journey to be on, but really isn't pregnancy as well? OK, they are different, but still they both have their ups and downs. And the end result is the same, only I won't have pooped in front of people or have stretch marks.

By the way, the down I was going through earlier this week is swinging back up. You know me, I don't stay down for long. Love you all!

Punch Drunk

2009-01-14T20:00:00.002-05:00

I couldn't write the entry on the situation that came up over break. It was too raw. There were way too many conflicting emotions for me to write of it in any kind of clarity. So John had to bounce that one. This one falls to me.
John received a call today asking if we wanted to be shown to a mother who had done heroine everyday for the first two trimesters. He said no. Someone is made to love that baby, I know that in my heart. It is just not us. The feelings that are rolled up in that run the gambit from guilt to anger to numbness. There is such a thrill that runs through you when you answer the phone, and it is the agency. The deflation when you realize it is not THE CALL or even one that can lead to THE CALL is truly the most depressing feeling I have ever had. It makes it hard to remember or even want to breathe. There have been days when I have to mentally tell myself to put on your shoes, turn the key, talked to the students, write your lesson plans, workout, eat dinner, pet the dog, brush your teeth, go to sleep, because it all feels fake. It doesn't feel like the life I am suppose to be living. I should be home, sleep deprived, unable to shower, covered in odd smells from baby powder to spit up.
So I wish I could be more uplifting. I wish I could show all of you the optimism I know is buried in me somewhere. I am sorry to add my burden to whatever you carry for yourself and know that there are more out there worrying for me. I don't like to feel worried over. I don't like to garner everyone's pity. All I can say is that I promised when I started this blog that it would be completely honest. Unfortunately, honesty can be ugly and unwanted.
However, anyone who knows me will know that soon enough I will be writing a post that will make everyone laugh and relieve some of the worry I know I have placed on others.
On some more factual and concrete issues.
We are a little worried about the state of our agency. They closed the Harrisburg office and consolidated it with the Lancaster office without informing anyone. This is the second office they closed this year. There have been some lay offs. There are small signs that it might be a sinking ship. We have started to consider a national agency with which two couples we know have had placements within a couple of months of joining. We will wait a little while longer as there are some negatives like national means national. We could go to any state in the nation. Also because of that size, there won't necessarily be the support in the hospital there would be with AFTH. And it will be more money, of course. But we are starting to consider the options especially since our home study will need to be renewed in May costing another $750 (I think.) and meaning we have to go through things like another fingerprinting. Which I don't get. They have them on file. Just run them again. Ah, the bureaucracy of the FBI.
Nothing from ZOE for Life. I wrote them a check at the beginning of December, and it hasn't been cashed yet. I talked to a representative right after the holidays. She said they had our materials, but we need to be approved by a committee. I will let anyone know if or when more comes from that organization. I have a feeling they are pretty understaffed and a lot of it is volunteer based, so patience and understanding.
Until then... STOP WORRYING. We're fine. Really. We laugh a lot. OK, Snick is ready for our evening popcorn session.

When Forced to Say "No"

2009-01-04T22:01:00.002-05:00

We had a wonderful holiday break -- but we have a bit of news to report, and this news isn't super-super easy to write about -- please bear with me if I ramble a bit.

On December 30 (my birthday), Duffy's phone rang from an unrecognized number -- it turned out to be a caller from Adoption From the Heart, mentioning that there was a special situation brewing and they needed to consult us immediately. In New Jersey (home to the most adoptive parent-friendly adoption laws in the union), a mother of two was experiencing financial difficulties, and was planning on the creation of an adoption plan for her children. There was a five-month-old girl and a 22-month-old boy.

We got as much information as we could, but not a whole lot was known by the social worker. After listening to everything as described, we asked for some time to talk things over and offered to call the social worker back. The "pro" in this situation was that we could become parents (note that we were only giving our permission to be in the profile book -- there is no guarantee that we would have been chosen, or even that we were a good bet to be chosen), and that is a pretty big pro. The problem was that we came up with several cons -- each of them seemingly insignificant, but they were adding up quickly.

First, the age of the children would be quite difficult to get over. One of the first pieces of advice given to parents of international adoption is to not allow anybody but the parents of the child to hold said child for several months -- this isn't to be snooty, it's just that the early bonds between parent and child aren't there, and this helps to build those. Children of international adoption typically range from three to six months in age, so the younger of these children falls into that -- the older child would be the equivalent of a foster adoption.

Next comes items directly related to age: we wouldn't get to use the names we've been working on, we wouldn't have been there for the first step, the first words -- we'd be completely changing existing routines. Of course, next are disciplinary issues - we just wouldn't know if there were any, what was done, etc. etc.

Finally, there are items adjacent to the financial issues. While the agency had every belief that the children were healthy - if a single mother is having difficulties making ends meet, what are the chances that the children have been in for regular checkups? I know I'm making a huge leap of logic here - but there is just a ton of stuff that we wanted to know, but could not ask directly (only through the agency, and then we had to rely on what the social worker was willing to share with us, and because of the timing of this all, it was unlikely that the birthmother could be asked said questions before an adoption plan was created).

In the end, this just didn't feel like "the situation" in our guts. We know that situation will be coming -- but this wasn't it. We asked that we not be considered in the list of potential profiles.

Other Family Events

2008-12-28T20:17:00.002-05:00

So yesterday was our fifth anniversary. The oddity known as time skews many things. In some ways, I feel like the wedding was just yesterday, in others, I feel like I have been married to John my entire life (In a good way, I swear!)
I will admit that part of me was a little afraid that I would be more depressed than joyful this anniversary. After all, never in my life did I ever think I would get to five years of marriage and not have celebrated a Mother's Day or two as well.
I underestimated myself and my husband. We had the most perfect anniversary, and never once was I gloomy. Any talk of a baby of hopeful and optimistic and brief. We really made the day all about us.
The big event of the day was dinner at Morimoto's in Philly. For the uninitiated, Morimoto is one of the Iron Chefs. The dinner was perfect. We chose to do the chef's sampler of six courses, mostly sushi, along with a paired adult beverage. If you would like to see pics, I have them up on my facebook, and will try and get them somewhere else soon for the three of you who are not on facebook.
I hope everyone has a great New Year, and that it brings all of us everything we need.

The Truth of the Matter

2008-12-14T08:57:00.004-05:00

Just because we have settled on transracial adoption does not mean I do not worry that we will be able to handle the racial issues that will come up in our and our child's lives. Often the true conversations about race we should be having in this country are pushed under the rug because they are uncomfortable. Often they should be about class and poverty because like it or not the racial divide is deeply integrated into the economic structure our country has built.
I can go from panic to bravery as part of the Waiting for a Black Child. I found that this article/blog entry states a lot of the concerns I have while also making me feel that is a challenge I want to face. It highlights the new transracial culture that we as a country are trying so hard to ignore and can no longer if we want to move forward. I also disagree with things in it. I think that using the blanket statement "black culture" is in itself racist. It makes all blacks other by lumping them into one great big group. Obama's election is not the end of racism, but I hope it is the opening to conversations we have not been willing to have before.

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=787542

I choose to be the uncomfortable one. I remember when I lived in Maryland and rode the metro on a daily basis that I could often look around a crowded car and realize that I was in the minority. That is one of the things that I miss about DC. I miss the cultural diversity. I miss the fact that in my apartment building black, Asian, Middle Eastern, Asian, Hispanic, were all represented. I worry that I will be bringing a black child to a white neighborhood. I am glad I am bringing a black child to a diverse school. I am glad I am bringing a black child to a city with a large black community. I wish that community were more integrated with the city as a whole. I hope to be part of making that happen. I worry that in that hope I will be setting my child up for a larger social role that a small one should shoulder. I must make myself the uncomfortable one to make my child the strong independent and open-minded person who will not be afraid of all of his or her heritages and will stand and will want to stand among those who can have the necessary conversations to make us the most self aware and proud diverse nation in the world.
I worry that this blog entry makes me sound like a blow-hard white privileged woman. I am still glad I had the courage to put it out there.

Deversify

2008-12-09T22:08:00.002-05:00

So we have reached a small anniversary. We have to renew our criminal background checks along with our we-don't-touch-children-inappropriately checks. Criminal checks are easy. Type in your SSN and credit card number and you are proved conviction free in less than 60 seconds. Cut, paste, attach and the agency is all updated. The Childline clearance is more of a pain. First they want to know every address you have lived at since 1975 and with whom you have lived. Keep in mind this will be at least the fourth time I have done this and at least the second for John meaning, they have all of the old stuff on file somewhere. Why can't they just ask for updates? Then to pay the $10 fee, you need a money order. A money order! It's the dark ages, people. I will go crank up the car to go to the bank.
The last thing the agency needs is updated medical forms. Yay, time to go be told to lose weight. Really? I am shocked, doc. Thanks for the heads up.
Anyway, to the subject matter of the title of this post. I mailed off our registration for ZOE for Life yesterday. If you are too lazy to click the link (I kid! Don't flame me.), this is an Orthodox organization that helps pregnant women in crisis. They keep a registry of Orthodox couples looking to adopted in case any of the women choose that path. They are not an agency, but more like a dating service. They would match us, then we are responsible along with the birthparent(s) for making the legal arrangements. This can still be done through AFTH.
For some reason I have a good feeling about this. Somehow it seems the right thing to do. It's probably nothing more feeling like I am at least doing something, but it gives me a little more hope.

Patience

2008-11-27T09:30:00.003-05:00

I felt it appropriate to blog about what I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving. It's something that this whole adoption process has brought me -- patience. I am somebody who sets out to do something and hopes to do it right then. It's a reason why long projects in the house don't always get done - I have a very hard time saying "ok, let me do a little bit now, and I'll do more later". No, it's always "now, now, now".

Well, there is no "now, now, now" in this adoption process. There isn't even a "then, then, then". There's a "maybe sometime, when the stars align". It is quite difficult for me to accept - but accept it I must. So, this Thanksgiving, in addition to support from friends and family, support from anonymous good wishers, prayers being sent our way, having the most wonderful wife in the whole wide world -- I am thankful for the patience that the adoption process has brought me.

But, I still have trouble starting projects about the house -- just because I won't be able to finish them that day :-)

Things Duffy Is Thankful For

2008-11-27T08:55:00.004-05:00

Being 32 but looking like I am still in my 20s
Splenda
Clark's shoes
100 calories packs of anything
Pasta
Anne Taylor
LL Bean
Block scheduling
My new laptop
Audiobooks
Online shopping
Sleeping in
The National Dog Show
The Macy's Day Parade
It's a Wonderful Life
Princess Bride
Star Wars
Sense and Sensibility
Jeans with Lyrca
Warm socks that are now in pairs thanks to the Great Batzer Sock Hunt of '08
Being Greek
My pets for teaching me patience and that unconditional love means sloppy kisses
My amazing friends who make me laugh and hold me up by the perfectly timed phone calls
My family who shows support through faith, guidance, and loud talking
My sister-in-law & brother-in-law, for sharing
My mother-in-law, for knowing exactly the right ways to spoil us
My brother, Wyatt, who constantly makes me laugh with surprise after surprise. Except the chain letters.
My brother, Will, who listens like no one else
My father, for making me self-sufficient
My sister, I can't even explain in words
My mother, for everything that is good in me
My husband, for being my friend and my heart
My baby who I hope to share all of this with very soon

In the absense of Human Baby News

2008-11-10T15:43:00.003-05:00

Since we don't have any new news on the adoption front, I figured I'd share a cute story about our fuzzy children. Last night, I was playing ball with Snickelfritz (whose idea of "playing ball" is to yell at you when you're ignoring him, but as soon as you show any interest, at all, of actually playing with him, he takes the ball and runs away -- he thinks this is hilarious) when we realized that the other two dogs were nowhere to be found.

I hopped upstairs to find Cosmo hanging out in the bedroom doorway. I explained to him that it wasn't bedtime yet, but he had no intentions of coming downstairs, and was acting quite guilty (I'd soon find out that this was "concerned", but Cosmo nuances are typically only known to Cosmo). I checked the bedroom to ensure that nothing was peed or chewed upon (all was clear) and went back downstairs, figuring that Hobbes was outside.

After 15 minutes of chasing Snickelfritz around, attempting to convince him that it's more fun for both of us if he lets the ball go and then chases it when I throw it, I became more concerned. Hobbes is a world class smeller . . . but 15 minutes of concentrated smelling, without gathering the attention of the other two puppies, that just doesn't happen. I called outside to get him to come in, but there was no response. So, I figured he must have been under the bed in the bedroom -- but he wasn't. At this point, I started opening doors, and he had managed to get himself locked in the nursery -- at our house, getting a dog locked behind closed doors isn't really Earth-shattering news (heck, Snickelfritz manages to lock himself in a bathroom every other week), but what happened next really is.

As soon as the door opened, Cosmo started acting happier than I have ever seen a dog act. I could have offered to make him a steak, and I think his joy over Hobbes's liberation would have superseded that emotion. This is on par with Dudley saying "I don't think he's a waste of space". Cosmo is usually all about Cosmo -- but this was true concern and elation about another dog. I gave him a big puppy hug for that (he's a very, very good puppy hugger).

Just so you know we haven't forgotten about you!

2008-11-07T18:27:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone, there is nothing new, but I thought I would post so the blog keeps some of its momentum.
Do you remember what it felt like to exist on a daily basis before September 11, 2001? Since that date, I have always felt like I lost something, an arrogance about my own safety, I suppose, is the more cynical way to say it. Some more sunnier people might call it an innocence. Either way, life in the U.S. changed that day, and it can be hard to remember how existence felt before such an epic crack in the foundation appeared.
We have been waiting for a baby since March of 2005 in one way, shape, or form. Life before Waiting is getting fuzzy. It is a life constant by now. Sometimes I wonder if it will take a while to stop expecting even after a baby has arrived.
Does pregnancy feel the same way? Like you can't remember how it felt to not be pregnant, and then when it's over, you sometimes forget you aren't pregnant anymore?

One Evening

2008-10-23T07:49:00.002-04:00

So when these things come up, I give myself one evening/day to be miserable and self indulgent. The best thing is to get on with things. After John told me about his phone call with M, the other SW in our office (Who called at 9 PM which I was impressed with, thanks, M!), I laid on the couch and sulked. I called my mom and sulked and whined. I called my sister and sulked and whined some more. Then I made my lazy, grumpy butt get up and fold laundry. Then I decided I should at least pretend to do the reading for my class this weekend. There is a quiz after all. Then life takes over. Routine can be theraputic.
So today, while I am still sighing over being just Waiting again as opposed to WAITING, I am back to being more positive and knowing that each day is closer to an adoption even if that is two years away. They do happen. I know that. On the list serves there is a match at least once a week or two. But self indulgance in gloom can be healthy for short stints.
So we thought that the plane was finally going to take off. Turns out it just taxied to another runway.

Back to Just Waiting

2008-10-22T21:11:00.002-04:00

The twins.... an aunt stepped in and has taken the twins.
At this point I was ready for a negative for us, but really hoping that an adoption would take place. Of the four situations we have been notified about, not one has ended with an adoption.
So while I am not vastly disappointed because of this specific situation, I am really frustrated in the fact that it doesn't seem that adoptions are real. This is especially hard to deal with as both John and I have had this weird feeling that something is just around the corner. Maybe it was just the situation with the twins. I don't know.
I do know that I hate my stupid uterus at moments like these.

And the twins story continues

2008-10-16T15:43:00.001-04:00

I believe the line is "and the story continues..."

Turns out that Saturday was false labor. Right now, the birthmother is still considering adoption and still looking through profiles. We are not discounted yet - but that's all I know.

News will be posted as warranted.

The Story of the Twins

2008-10-16T11:33:00.002-04:00

So, our apologies for not posting this earlier -- the phone call came at a very odd time (a time when there was absolutely no way for me to get onto the internet), and the following events have had my mind running a million miles a minute, meaning that slowing things down enough to blog about it wasn't a possibility.

On Saturday, my phone rang it's special ring (Who Needs Sleep? by the Barenaked Ladies) and I rushed to answer. S, the social worker, was on the line and had a situation to talk over.

Now, I need to mention that there are limited cases where S would actually call us -- most of the time, should our profile match the mother's, we'll just be shown, and should our profile NOT match the mother's, our profile will not be shown. It is only in instances where our profiles MOSTLY match and the difference between the match/non-match is a minute detail that we'd get a phone call. For instance, we'd get a phone call if a mother mentioned that she had a drink or two during the entire course of the pregnancy, but not if she mentioned that she drank more than that.

So, S is on the phone and mentions that a mother was soon to be going into labor in Philadelphia, expecting twin girls (twins were not something that we had as a "maybe" -- we said multiples were fine). She happened, however, to be in jail -- a cop had witnessed her throwing a bleach solution at an ex-boyfriend (jail or violent offenses do no preclude us from wanting a child . . . in fact, if somebody is in jail, you know where they are, what they're eating, and it's a lot harder to get drugs). Well, we had agreed to help with housing and medical costs for the birthmother -- to the tune of $500, should such costs be incurred. This situation looked like it might require $1,000 of extra assistance. I immediately said that I would increase that for this situation.

However, there were even more situations. Typically, our agency operates alone with an adoption . . . not so here. S was aware of at least three couples from our agency - but possibly as many as 13 from other social worker agencies.

I just got off the phone with Adoption from the Heart -- S is in court today, but it sounds like the children were placed elsewhere. When it's our time, it'll be our time.

Adding to John's last observation

2008-10-06T08:46:00.002-04:00

John's is a good analogue. I just wanted to add that having a person to travel with can make all the difference. There is that moment when just the last thing has gone wrong, and it seems like it doesn't matter what is at the end. There is no end in sight. You will be sitting in this airport until The End Times. And you look at the person you are travelling with, and one of two things is going to happen. You are either going to start taking it out on each other, or explode in laughter that will eventually settle you down to reality.
Happily, and I am sure this is no surprise to anyone, John and I always seem to be able to do the latter.
So after every crisis moment, we settle back to watch a poorly edited movie and wait for our non-nut related snack which now costs $10.50.

All Quiet on the Adoption Front

2008-09-25T10:01:00.002-04:00

No news to report in our travels . . . which is why things have been so quiet around here. There has been an interesting shift in attitude lately. I can only explain it in a truly odd metaphor. You know how, at the beginning of a vacation, you're really, really excited. You can't wait for everything to happen - it's going to be awesome! And then you're on the plane . . . and you're on the plane . . . and you're on the plane. Suddenly it's not so great -- you hunker down, you do what it takes to keep on going. Yeah, that end point is going to be just as great as you imagined it -- but the getting there . . . well, you never thought it would be fun, but the excitement wears off and you just need to get through it. That's where we are -- still really, really looking forward to that end point -- but we're in the "hunkered" mode . . . the journey is just that, a journey - and it's boring and uncomfortable sometimes -- but it'll be worth it in the end.

Community Dynamics

2008-09-14T20:45:00.004-04:00

OK, so blog. (I find it funny that the spell checker doesn't know blog.) We are in the Waiting doldrums, so it is kinda hard to think of a whole lot to write about. I know readers like regularish (Really, spell check, regularish is OK?) updates, so here goes.
We are trying to look at Waiting in the most positive of lights. OK, it didn't happen today, but each day we are closer to having a baby.
We will see how long that lasts.
Waiting has been a recent topic on one of the adoption list serves. Those of us Waiting are an interesting community. We have so much in common, yet we are all rather selfish. Let's face it, we are in competition with each other. And I think every person or couple who is Waiting, feels their desperation and need is the greatest. Most have already been through so much in their quest for a child. Some seem to become obsessed with comparing who is getting shown to whom, who are the families that are getting picked, how long have these or those people been Waiting? There is so little control (read no control), people need something. It can be a dark place to go to. The place where you start to ask why them and not us? I will admit to going there when someone gets pregnant, but I am doing my best to avoid it with adoptions. This is why I don't call the social worker. This is why I don't want to know how many babies have been placed or to whom. It makes no difference. It doesn't make our chances greater or lesser. When it's our turn, it will be our turn.

Interesting Radio Segments

2008-09-11T20:25:00.002-04:00

This blog has been as much about race as adoption. Interesting NPR segments.....

Voters Confront Race and Politics in York, PA - Morning Edition

Does Race Matter in '08? The View From York, PA - All Things Considered

Waiting for the ring

2008-09-10T08:33:00.003-04:00

I really need to get the social worker's cell phone number from my wife. I remember this each time my phone rings - but I always forget when we're together.

See, much like she did, I have a ringtone specifically for Adoption from the Heart -- "Who Needs Sleep" by the Barenaked Ladies. The problem is, it is very likely that I won't get called from the office number, but from S's cell phone . . . and I don't have that programmed in. So, each time I hear the first (and last) movement of the Carmina Burana, O Fortuna, coming from my iPhone -- I jump a little more than necessary.

This was especially problematic last week, as my truck was in the shop (biking into work certainly makes dealing without a vehicle a little easier), and the shop had questions about a variety of things. While my phone really doesn't ring all that often, I jump for every one of them. This makes things even more frustrating when it's a stupid technical recruiter calling to see if I'm available on the job market.

Anyway -- still haven't heard "Who Needs Sleep" play from my phone's speaker . . . you'll know as soon as it does.

Role Reversal

2008-09-06T20:13:00.003-04:00

It is very difficult to adjust to life Waiting. Every time we make plans, I think, We might not be able to keep these plans. I made a tuition payment thinking, this could be a big waste of money. What if we have to cancel the Halloween Party?
You are Waiting, Life is not.
This almost took me out this summer. There were times in which I would find myself starring at my phone willing it to ring the special ringtone I had set for AFTH. (It's changed. It was The Facts of Life theme song, then Ms. Jackson. Finally I have settled on Magic Dance.) Deep down I was really hoping it would happen before school started as that would be much less disruptive. There was a good bit of disappointment when it didn't especially with the close call only a week before.
Now that school's started, Waiting has become easier. I have 75 kids to worry about. I was thinking about adoption 547 times a day this summer, and now it's 283.
We made John the primary contact once school became my reality as he has more flexibility to answer the phone during the day. If it is Major, he will text me Adoption 911, so I can call him as soon as possible. If it is minor, he will just text me to say call AFTH when I get a chance.
Apparently, emotions were also switched. We were at dinner with some acquiantances on Thursday, and I mentioned how the waiting was easier now that school had started. John, deer in headlights look and everything, turned to me and said, "Easier for you! I'm primary contact now!" I looked back at him. I could hug him in empathy. I could kiss him in support.
I laughed in amusement and a little surprise.
John has really been a philosophical rock through all of this. He turned Waiting into a Zen state.
It tickled me to see him a little ruffled.
I love him so much.

Look at Me, Look at Me!

2008-09-01T19:53:00.004-04:00

I am not sure how many of you ever check in at my other blog, but I went out a scenic bike ride today with my iPhone and took at few pictures. If you're not a regular reader, check out: My Cycling Blog for the details, and check in every now and then to see what I'm up to, as I decide on important things like:

Whether or not I should get a tattoo
If my 20 mile commute, and the possibility of future long-term rides, really warrants a dedicated "commuter bicycle"
How I plan on dealing with the cold mornings.

Anyway - you don't have to go there . . . but I figured you all might like to know that the info is out there, should you be bored and want to read something else.

More Proof That Evolution Sucks

2008-08-28T20:49:00.004-04:00

A friend and I have been commiserating over our infertility for several years now though we were on different paths. We went adoption, she and her husband have been going though fertility treatments. Earlier in her life she had some health problems that were causing some problems. She managed to get pregnant earlier this year. I don't think I have ever seen anyone happier than her when expecting a baby. So needless to say, this was just an amazing time for her. We held our breath a little through the first trimester, but she and the baby were healthy.
She lost the baby today.
It's almost more than I can bear, I can't imagine what she and her husband are going through. I don't get it, and I never will. As much as I can hurt for myself sometimes, this is worse. This is unfair. Suck it, Darwin or God or whoever's fault this is. OK, that's stupid, I know. But I don't care. I'm going to be immature for a little bit.

Why those statistics on the left are not "for reals"

2008-08-25T10:21:00.003-04:00

I think we all know that John is a bit of a jerk. This time, however, he doesn't mean to be. See, Blogger blogs are blocked at work, and, well, he likes to check things out while he is at work. This presents a problem. He can

Wait until he gets home, like a good boy
Bounce the request off of a series of untraceable requests until it randomly leaves a cycle of requests and hits the blog

. I think we all know which one he chose.

So, when you see a really exotic place of origin, there are two possibilities. Either somebody from a distant land stumbled upon our blog . . . heck, said person might be pregnant, had been thinking about adoption, and after reading our blog decided to visit America just so that we can parent her child. Or, it is me, just checking things -- I have no way to control where my visits are routed through. I'll continue hoping that we're getting visits from mysterious places - it makes me feel a little more exotic.

Expiring Pregnancy Test

2008-08-24T11:04:00.002-04:00

I have a pregnancy test that expires at the end of the month. This means I bought this thing between a year and two years ago. Ah those carefree days of "I know it will happen this month!" I remember thinking when I bought it that 8/08 was a long time away, and I was sure to have used it for a positive result before then. Lord, what fools these mortals be.
So if anyone in the driving radius of my house (less than a hour) or someone wanting to pay shipping is welcome to it. Otherwise, I may just use the thing on August 31st before it spontaneously combusts or whatever. I may even post a picture of it like all my pregnant blogger friends do. What's a baby blog without a random preggers test picture, I ask you? Or do you think the birthmom would take a test and let me take a picture of it? Is that asking too much? Am I currently delirious from wallpaper glue fumes?

Dealing with Disappointment

2008-08-19T13:17:00.002-04:00

So, I figured it had been awhile since I've chimed in here. I check in every day, just to see if anybody had commented (and, of course, to see if my wife has graced us with her writing once more . . . one of the things that is going to suck with the beginning of the school year is that she won't be home during the day anymore). We try to keep things honest here - which means, lately, that the bad news posts have outnumbered the good . . . although we're still leading toward one great big good news post, so it is best to take it all in stride.

And that's the thing - keeping it all in stride. There have been three distinct moments in the past month and a half that I thought that parenthood was, literally, right around the corner. That is three times when we know that somebody took a look through a book, saw our profile, and had to give (at least some) consideration to whether or not we would make good parents for her biological child. In each of those cases, the biological mother took on the role of mother. Yeah, it's a letdown when this has happened . . . but it's not all that bad to take. I mean, I cannot even fathom what it must take in order to put a child that you've been carrying around for nine months into somebody else's hands. I just can't.

One of the tremendous fears that I have about adopting is that the biological mother would doubt this decision. We know that there is always, always, always going to be a "what if" - but I fear being resented. If a birthmother can honestly tell herself that she thinks the best situation for the baby is if she parents it, well, I don't think I want to be daddy to that baby, and I wish that birthmother the best.

Part of what is frustrating is that we don't know how often our profile is being seen. Have these three situations been it? Or, are we getting looked at every other day, but something says "no" to those looking? The only way I can take this is that all of this frustration (and, while I try to keep a calm demeanor through all of this, it's not always easy) is going to be worth it in the end. That is certain.

So, I guess just keep on checking in . . . we will post when we can - and, of course, we always appreciate the good wishes - and I'm sure you'll all hear the whoop of joy when our phoenix baby is turned from a mythical creature to reality.

As promised

2008-08-17T19:34:00.003-04:00

Here is the tour of the nursery. It's long and boring, but we love the room.

The Mojo is a YoYo

2008-08-16T11:45:00.002-04:00

The mother took the baby home. There were eight prospective families she did look at before leaving the hospital. She hasn't ruled out adoption, but we are assuming she has ruled it out.
There are the facts.
This is why this blog is a double edged sword. I want to share, I think it is a good thing for me, I hope there might be others out there reading who are in the same situation or considering adoption, but it also means I have to place our disappointment on everyone who cares for us. Then again it can make the disappointment easier to deal with. So sorry to disappoint our faithful followers, but thank you for being there. It does help.
So there have been three situation so far that have ended with the biological family raising the baby. I can't decide if that makes me feel better or worse. On one hand, it means we haven't been overlooked (that we know of) for an actual adoption, on the other hand, it makes it feel rather fruitless. I know adoptions do happen. It doesn't feel like it right now.
Sorry for the disappointment. The next entry will be a video of the nursery which should make all of us feel better.

Bra Strap Mojo A GoGo

2008-08-14T14:24:00.003-04:00

Round 3, I believe.

There was a little girl born yesterday, two weeks premature. Our SW had to call to see if we wanted to be considered, because the mother had two winecoolers before she knew she was pregnant, and a couple glasses of wine on the 4th of July. The mother was due at the end of the month but went to the hospital with a fever where they induced. We should have a decision one way or the other by tomorrow. Baby is healthy though they have her under observation because of the mom's fever and being a little premature. Only other info we have is that, sadly, the father is deceased. He lived in north Philly and was shot.

The nursery was finished yesterday. We are on day 6 of the Blessed Bra. I was supposed to be in school today getting my classroom set up. They waxed the floors. I couldn't get to my room. I ended up helping out a couple of other teachers.

I can't decide if the timing is too right or just right.

The Virgin Mary and My Bra Strap

2008-08-09T21:09:00.003-04:00

OK, anyone who knows me knows I am not the world's most religious person. I have struggled a lot with what I believe faith-wise. Basically, I do believe there is a spiritual side of existence. I do think there is a high consciousness to the universe, but I do not think it/he/she can influence the world outside of human consciousness. People have to listen inside themselves and be observant of those and the world around them to really listen to God (for lack of another name). And once you get past love yourself and love your neighbor, I think a lot of organized religion is just human vanity. I do not believe in a God, for instance, who has made any decision about my fertility. This is not God's will. This is just one of the more unfortunate side effects of a pretty ingenious biological system that I give any creator a lot of credit for. However, I do admire people who do live a good life and treat other people well. A lot of them are religious people. They have their own truths, just like I do, and if that truth leads to good in the world, all the better. One of the people I would put in this category is one of the priests at my church. We shall call him Father Y. He is truly a person of faith and goodness. Somehow he only recently found out about our adoption plan, and he has been incredibly supportive and excited for us.
One of the ways he has shown this gets me to the title of this entry. Mt. Athos is an independent monastic community in Greece. One of the relics there is a sash of the Virgin Mary. They place strips of material on the sash, so the holiness can permeate them. Then they go out into the world as blessings. They are often given to women who want to start a family, and these women apparently wear them in their bras for 40 days. Who knows how these things get started. Anyway, Father Y had a couple of these ribbons, and offered one to me. Let me tell you, talking to your priest about your bra strap is an interesting experience. Anyway, I am very touched. It is a gift given in love and hope, and I believe that energy can only help. The power of prayer is the power of the human mind which can defy even logic. Therefore I believe in the power of a gift given in faith, especially in the name of a woman I believe was brave in the face of epic events and loved her son in the face of great danger.
So starting tomorrow, my bra has a friend.

For Our Clamouring Fans

2008-08-03T21:24:00.003-04:00

So it has been a while, and I have people asking. Apparently, our next blog entry is an anticipated event, up there with the next Harry Potter book, I am sure.
We had a great time at the beach. It was nice to have everyone who was there together for a week. It was especially nice to see John get to relax and not work ANY job for a whole seven days. Well maybe six. I think he might have sneaked in some email on a borrowed iPhone. Soon we won't have to borrow. We ordered two new iPhone 3Gs today. They should arrive in two to three weeks. I think the accessories we ordered online will get here before the phones do.
Let's see.... we had a busy and eventful weekend due to the fact that GUESSICA GOT MARRIED. The wedding was a lot of fun. I don't look half bad in yellow, and John starts my heart aflutter in a tux. Except when he dances. The flutter is somewhere else. Like in my funny bone. But he does it with gusto (and usually some liquid courage), so more power to him. Dancing like YouTube doesn't exist, people!
Obviously there has been nothing on the baby front, otherwise, well, this entry would have started differently. My pipe dream of being matched before school starts is slowly fading. It was a long LONG shot anyway. So now I am frantically trying to finish painting before the education of future generations starts to take priority. When I finish the bathrooms, I promise a guided tour of the improvements.
In the meantime, enjoy this picture of the adorable sweater our friend, Cat, made, yes, made for the pending Batzer.

Thoughts I Ponder When I Can Not Sleep

2008-07-19T10:21:00.002-04:00

For a variety of reasons, I haven't been sleeping all that well this summer. It's OK. I'm working on it. But anyone who has had this trouble, presumably everyone, knows that sometimes your brain will just not shut up. Your internal voice will annoy you for hours with infinite combinations of information from the inane to the profound, from the funny to the panic inducing.
Not surprising to anyone I am sure, my internal voice is rather obsessed with adoption. And oddly, the stories it likes to make up are more about the birthmother than the baby. I guess because she will be the first solid breathing person who will be involved in this process. My brain (I say this, because I truly do not seem to have control over it.) makes up backgrounds for the birthparents, mostly mom, and their situations and what about them would make them choose us. Here's my favorite. Please remember, I have no control.
The mom is a Greek exchange student who hooks up with another black student and gets pregnant. Of course she can't go home to her really strict Greek Orthodox parents with the baby, so her very understanding and somewhat guilty host family helps her find Adoptions From the Heart. And of course, here is the perfect couple! They want a black baby, and they are Greek. They will raise the baby Orthodox. She has to look no further!
See, no control over my own mind.
Seriously though, I do think there is more to the obsession with the birthmoms. For us to have the family we want and experience the joyous and insane phenomenon of parenthood, someone else or several someone elses have to be sad. Sad is a more profound word that it is given credit for. Ultimately, our happiness has to come from someone else making a major sacrifice. It doesn't mean that they are making the wrong decision, but no matter what it is not an easy decision. "Dark times lie ahead of us and there will be a time when we must choose between what is easy and what is right." -Albus Dumbledore. No matter what else they have done in their lives to this point or what they will do after, at this moment they love that baby enough to know that they are not what is best for their own child. That has got to be a very hard thing to face. They say that birthparents go through the grieving process, and I can understand why.
I guess this is why I am so in favor of open adoption because love like that deserves acknowledgment. I believe that a child who grows up with an understanding of his or her birthparents will be better adjusted and feel more accepted especially if the birth family members involved share a race with the child that we will not.
It might not work out that way, but remember, I have no control over my own brain.
And I promise more light heart posts as soon as the nursery is done. The puppies are too cute for words.

House Updates

2008-07-15T08:23:00.002-04:00

While those last two situations didn't pan out for us, we're not all that upset. The ups & downs are certainly there -- but we've reached a Zen-like phase -- when having a baby is right for us, it will happen. We are certain about this, so it's just difficult being patient sometimes.

On the house front, we have exciting news:

In the nursery, Kim has started putting colors into the puppies -- as soon as that is all done, we'll have pictures of the end product up here
The fence has been installed. For those of you who haven't been to the house, we have a pond in walking/tumbling distance from the back porch. This isn't a good thing with a toddler -- so, we have had a fence put in (as an added bonus, the dogs now can be let outside without having to put them on leashes)
Duffy has removed all of the carpet from the stairs and painted the wood underneath (it looks much, much better).
Jake has started sizing up how we're going to get the banister put up.

Other than that -- sill a waiting game.

Known For Sure

2008-07-14T16:52:00.003-04:00

In both cases in Round #1 the mother's families decided to parent the baby. It's a good thing. We wish them all the best.
So we are back to waiting with the complete unknown, and we are OK with that. The level of disappointment was rather minimal. I am not one to believe in fate or predestination, but we will get our baby when it is the right time, place, and situation.
Keep checking for more updates!

Nothing Yet

2008-07-12T11:38:00.002-04:00

Hello everyone, I just wanted to let you know that we haven't heard anything one way or the other about either situation, so at this point I think neither is going to be the baby for us. Our SW did promise to call either way, but at this point I think no news is exactly that... no news. This time. We are starting to get use to this unforeseen potential life altering event following us around like a pet tornado.

Post Coordination

2008-07-08T21:22:00.003-04:00

So, today, Duffy & I stepped on each other's posts . . . I truly recommend that you read through EVERYTHING, just in case something was missed, as today was a somewhat busy day.

Still, though, we're figuring out how best to post to this damn thing -- our apologies that things go between lots & lots of posts to weeks of barely any posts.

The Profile Video

2008-07-08T21:11:00.004-04:00

So, here it is -- try not to laugh:

Round #2 - Or is it all round one when there are many things goind on at once?

2008-07-08T15:39:00.003-04:00

Again in the interest of full disclosure.....

There is something in the water in Delaware. Here is another situation in which we may be considered. A mother had a little girl yesterday. There are two potential fathers. One has washed his hands of the situation and gone back to his wife in California. The other man would like the parent the little girl if he is the father. They did a DNA swab, and the results will be available about the same time the baby would go home from the hospital.
OK, never in my life did I ever think I would be cheering for the deadbeat adulterer. I really admire the guy who will take responsibility for his actions. And I really kind of hate him too. And all any of this means is that another mother will be looking at us among the many.
I have to say this is a development I did not anticipate. I don't know if John did. I imagine he will chime in. I was ready for the waiting. And some more waiting. Followed, for a change of pace, by waiting. I was not ready for this knowing exactly what I was waiting on. This is almost torture. I won't go as far as to say exactly torture as eventually things will go my way. I just hope I am sane, and my spirit isn't broken by then.
Also, no word on round #1 yet. They haven't come into the office to view the profiles yet.

Popping Out Babies in Delaware

2008-07-08T15:33:00.002-04:00

Just got a call from the Mrs. Apparently there is another "situation" in Delaware. A mother just gave birth to a healthy baby girl. However, there are two possible fathers. One potential birthfather is already married and moving to California and wants absolutely nothing to do with this child. One potential birthfatheris a local boy who would like to be the actual father to this child.

A DNA test has been ordered.

Should birthfather #1 be the actual birthfather, the child will NOT be raised by the birthmother and/or birthfather #2 (and will hence have an adoption plan created for her). Should birthfather #2 prove to be the actual birthfather, the child will NOT have an adoption plan created for her.

The DNA test will take a few days to tell us. At this point, we have a 50/50 shot of being considered (at which point we have a one in (unknown) shot of actually getting picked).

I know a lot of you read this blog regularly and are hoping for news - so we're going to try to get better about posting each & every little thing. But it's nerve wracking to have this level of uncertainty.

Thanks, always, for the continued good wishes.

Non Sequitur

2008-07-08T08:21:00.003-04:00

This just made me laugh.

Baby Blues for July 8, 2008

If you are checking this after the 8th, you will have to choose July 8 from the pull down menu.

To Watch Tonight

2008-07-08T08:18:00.003-04:00

So that silly little DVD we made is complete. Duffy's seen it, but I have yet to watch. In any case, after a little gig at YTI tonight, I'm going to get home, rip it to DIVX, and then post it to this here blog. Be prepared to watch two of the most nervous people in the world try to sell themselves to an unknown audience.

On the topic of watching things, though -- the night that Duffy called me in the UK about the situation that we were looking to possibly present ourselves for (and, as of this writing, we have not heard anything -- in this case, "no news" is simply "no news". It may be that the birthparents have picked another couple to parent their child, or it may mean that the birthparents have not yet decided. The only way we'd know something definitive is if we were chosen, and you'd hear Duffy's yell of excitement before anybody got a chance to put in a blog entry), I got back from the Old Bear, turned on the TV, changed the station to the BBC, and proceeded to watch a documentary on Treacher Collins Syndrome. This specific show followed a girl who has lived with the syndrome all of her life, and now that she's in her 20's (and fully grown), they were placing synthetic bones in her face. Then, last night, on the Discovery Channel, there was a story about a family with a 2 year old with a quite severe case of Treacher Collins, and what they're going through currently. Not sure if this is a sign or anything, but I've learned something new, and that's never a bad thing.

On a completely unrelated "watch" topic, though -- everybody should see Wall-E. We went last night, and it was very, very cute.

Round #1 - How not to get excited while being excited

2008-07-02T17:02:00.003-04:00

This may be very premature, but I promised when I started this blog, that I would chronical everything and be honest.
Our profile will be shown, among others, on Monday to a couple wishing to make an adoption plan for their baby. It is our first shot in the adoption lottery.
There are some issues of concern. The mother has a condition called Treacher Collins Syndrome, a craniofacial deformity, and the father is deaf. TCS is a genetic condition, so the baby has a 50/50 shot of having it as well. The couple has a one-year-old that does not have it nor is deaf. I do not know the situation with the one-year-old, but a myth of adoption is that babies are only given up by young, single women. A lot more birthparents, even as a couple, are already raising other children than most people think.
There is never going to be a perfect situation, and John and I agreed at the outset that we would have any child with naturally occurring conditions. I could give birth to a deaf child or one with TCS. Granted our baby's chances would be much less, but it is still a possibility. And this baby, if it does end up having the condition, will need a good home with lots of attention, and people who can get it the proper medical care if that is necessary. That's us.
Everyone pray, send positive thoughts, but no one get too excited. This couple will be shown several to many different profiles. We are just faces in a crowd.
Either way, we will know something next week, and I will keep everyone posted.
Oh, and the baby is due next Friday. Mavel Tov!

Good Thoughts

2008-06-29T18:50:00.002-04:00

I got this email from our friend, Anne, today, and I had to share. I hope you don't mind, Anne. Love ya'!

Yesterday I was cleaning a bit and came across 3 empty, small picture frames. I put pictures of David & Noah in two of them, and thought that I'd save the 3rd for your baby! Then last night I had a dream that you guys got picked and brought home a little girl. Hopefully my dream meant that your baby is coming soon!!!! I said a extra prayer at church this morning! I'm getting so excited!!!!!!

StoryCorps

2008-06-20T08:24:00.002-04:00

StoryCorps is a national project in which sound booths are set up at various places, and anyone can come and record their stories and interviews. The recordings are archived at the National Archives as part of everyday history.
The goal of StoryCorps is to make me cry.

An Orphan's Adoption: 'And Away We Went'

Mythical Creatures

2008-06-19T10:22:00.002-04:00

I had a unicorn baby. I would glimpse his hazel eyes giggling at me from his carseat in my rearview mirror. I would hear her cries echoing through the house at three in the morning, and the phantom me would get up and go smooth her sweaty dark ringlets as she cried for no good reason. I would feel the weight of his tall-for-his-age body on my pant leg as I went about changing laundry loads and emptying the dishwasher. He was going through the clinging to Mommy phase, you see. The petite, too-small-for-her-age length of her would fit perfectly in my arms as I sat doing nothing at all but zoning in front of the TV and she slept, refusing to be put down.
I had to let my unicorn baby go. He and she waved good-bye as they went to fulfill the promises of that twit, Jackie Paper, and have adventures in the Land of Hanalee.
Now I have a phoenix baby. He rises out of the ashes of disappointments and fear to create hope with his golden song. She does all of the same things the unicorn baby did, taunting me from around corners, but her features are blurred like a hummingbird's wings. Yet the outline is more defined. She is coming. He will fly, maybe long and far, maybe short and near, but he will come. And we will make her song powerful and strong to withstand and fight against the wind.
I may always miss my unicorn baby, but I will always love my phoenix baby.

Nursery Flooring

2008-06-19T08:44:00.003-04:00

The nursery flooring is complete! Over the last two days (unfortunately, I was only home for one of them), they've taken out the carpet from the "pink" room and the hallway, replacing it with wondrous laminate (a very pale color in the nursery, and a mediumish color to match the downstairs hallway in the upstairs hallway). Things really look great.

We were really hoping that the stairs would be a high quality hardwood under the carpet, but that does not appear to be the case . . . they're a crappy pine. So, we're going to look at removing the Berber carpet from them, staining the pine, and then placing a runner on down -- this should really make things look a little nicer than they currently do while also keeping the advantage of carpet on a stairway (much less slippery).

Next, they're tearing out the carpet and replacing it with tile in our bathrooms (that would actually be done right now, but the tile is backordered). Also, the nursery is being painted with puppies. Pictures will be coming.

I May Regret This, But..... Calling All Parents!

2008-06-15T20:07:00.002-04:00

OK, first I want to say thanks for all of the comments I got about the Snugride. I think that will eventually be our first car seat and stroller.
Now....
Since there is a chance that we will have minimal time to prepare for the arrival of our child, I have decided to put the skeleton of a diaper bag together, so we do not have to do it at the last minute. So I am asking for advice on bags before I trekked across Harrisburg to the Babies R Us. I was also wondering if anyone might have advice on some more unusual things I might want to have in it that I might not have thought to add. Keep in mind we will probably spend the first couple of days with the baby in a hotel room. Here are the obvious items I plan on putting in there.....

newborn diapers (I have been told that Pampers Swaddlers are good.)
baby wipes (OK, I had a long car ride with Karen. She also suggested Huggies wipes as they are bigger.)
diaper cream
lotion (My AA adoption list serves say that Aveeno is best for newborn AA children.)
onesies
some warmer weather outfits and cooler weather outfits
bottles
formula (Too be purchased later)
blankets (I saw some on Babies R Us web site that were specifically for swaddling that looked neat. Anyone know anything about them?)

Karen also liked the sleeping sacks.
Lisa is a big fan of the sling. I know that this is one of those things that it seems parents either love or don't, but it will probably be a good thing for us in forming a bond with a baby that has not been listening to my heartbeat for nine months.
So I know parents love to share with parents-to-be, and I am actually asking!
Thanks in advance.

Random Things

2008-06-10T20:22:00.003-04:00

Kim, our massage therapist, is also our nursery artist, and she started sketching out some of the puppies today. SO CUTE. We couldn't be happier with the direction she is going in. The puppies and floors should be done next week.

I have been looking at car seats and strollers, etc. Any recommendations would be appreciated. I think this is the car seat and stroller combo I want. Our friend, Lisa, recommended it. Car Seat
& Stroller Adapter. I am not sure about the pattern, I like the plan black better, but that is not on Target's web site.

And I want one of these t-shirts.
On the back it says, “If you are neutral in a situation of injustice, you have chosen to side with the oppressor.” It is not, as some people might think, anti- white, but just a way to understand that all of us have privileges as human beings that everyone should have even though everyone does not. It is about awareness, not guilt. This picture is from The White Privilege Conference. At first that might make many of us feel defensive and worry about reverse racism, but as their motto states, "The focus of our fight is more and more 'for' something and less and less 'against' something." It also isn't just about race, but gender, orientation, class, etc. Read this Anti-Racist Parent blog entry for a great take on the idea of privilege as awareness, not guilt.

Our Debut

2008-06-10T19:53:00.003-04:00

There is nothing that can make you feel like a bigger doofus than being videotaped. Most of the time you just have to live with the idea that you get to be uncomfortable every time the family videos come out or worse case scenario, it ends up on You Tube. It usually doesn't have a major impact on your future unless you are an LA cop. Tonight we recorded 3 minutes and 40 seconds that will shape the rest of our lives. This, of course, was the video that the agency will show to birthparents who showed interest in our profile. We will get a copy of the video in a couple of weeks. It will be posted then.
The videographer is in Millersville which is about an hour away. In the car we made a brief list of what we wanted to say and practiced a couple of times, both nixing and approving of different wordings and topics. Then we listened to Harry Potter. You know, to relax.
We were a little apprehensive about the videographer as it sounded like he could be uptight and picky, but he turned out to be a really nice guy. He's been doing these videos for 15 years, so he had some good advice about what to do. You know, look at the lens, look at each other, help each other out if someone gets frozen, that kind of thing. We started out with a simple intro, and when in doubt, tell a joke. Ours was about getting to the showcase showdown on Price Is Right. After that we covered the basics about us, family, diversity, and openness. John did really well, but I have to say I made a couple of snafus like calling the baby it and looking down at the notes. However, the videographer said that we were very natural and funny which are things that a lot of people have trouble being in these videos. He seemed pleased, and we felt pleased as well.
Tomorrow, I will call the agency, and we will officially be in the book, waiting.
So, folks, the stick turned blue, we went through the morning sickness, and now the water just broke. We know it's coming, but you can't tell how long the labor will be.

The Video

2008-06-09T09:59:00.002-04:00

First, off-topic: I've been posting in this other font, just because it makes things a little clearer as to who is doing the posting. Should I change things up at all?

So, we have our video tomorrow night, and we really haven't done much in the way of what we want to say. The video should be between three and five minutes - I have a feeling we'll be on the shorter end of that spectrum.

Introduction
We are John & Duffy . . .
Thank you for watching our video
We feel like we've made it to the "Showcase Showdown" on The Price is Right
Family the child will be living in
We have our own petting zoo and a family army all within hailing distance . . .
Racial environment that the child will be raised
Carlisle is a very diverse town . . .
How excited we are about becoming parents
Website access for pictures / email exchanges / etc
Should you want it, John would be happy to establish a password protected website that you can share with your family & friends and track the child as s/he grows up

That feels like it would be 3 minutes worth of blabbering - we'll see how things actually turn out. A note of etiquette, however. As I was writing my last point, what do we call the baby at this stage? To the birthmother, is it "your child", "the child", "our child", am I putting too much thought into this (I know it wouldn't be the first time)?

Race in America

2008-06-06T10:52:00.003-04:00

One of the big themes we have in this blog is the issue of race, and how race issues in America are not what they once were. With the current political climate, we certainly are at an interesting time to look at the issues between races. It's nice to see a news story that basically repeats what we've been saying all along -- race is not the issue that it once was -- things are far from perfect, but as time moves forward, issues between the races are lessening. I do think there will be some time in the future where humans will just "be", and there will be no thought of distinction based on nationality, race, gender, sexual orientation . . . at least, I hope that's what the future has in store for us.

No Posts In Awhile

2008-06-06T10:03:00.002-04:00

So, we haven't posted in awhile . . . simply because there hasn't been a lot of action. We have our videographer appointment next Tuesday. We still haven't even really started on the whole "what do we want to say about ourselves" bit. I like the start Duffy has, though -- basically, our video will only be seen if we've been chosen from the profile book. So - in a way, it's kind of like being on the "Showcase Showdown" of The Price is Right. We will definitely be playing that theme up. While any siblings are required to appear during the video, that mandate does not extend to fuzzy siblings. I don't know if having them with us would be a help or a hindrance.

Over the last couple of days, I've been talking to a lot of people about the whole adoption process. I really don't know why people think they need to say "you know, now that you're walking down this road, you're going to get pregnant right away." I want to scream this is not like applying to a "safety school". We are in this because we want to be in this. I honestly see no difference between "parent" or "adoptive parent", when it comes to the idea of family, outside of the nine months of pregnancy. Hearing the number of parents who have started down the road to adoption only to get pregnant themselves, and then back out of adoption is actually frightening. Duffy & I are in this thing fully -- the only situation that I can envision where we would "back out" of adoption is if we discovered that Duffy was pregnant with quadruplets - and even then, we'd need to think about it.

So -- not really sure why I chose now to chime in . . . just felt that there had been enough blog silence to warrant a little something.

Helping the Environment

2008-05-30T18:43:00.000-04:00

It's the little things that raise the blood pressure

2008-05-28T14:47:00.004-04:00

I went to drop off the profiles at the agency yesterday. As I hand them to the secretary she asks if I know about the profile fee. I am sure I did at some point, but it hadn't been mentioned recently, thus forgotten. There are a lot of fees, presented in a very long list given to you at the first meeting. This, of course, is a large one. $2,000. OK. Pay day is this week. It can wait a couple of days. No problem. However....
On top of that she also says we have to supply the plastic sleeves for the profile to go into. Wait.... What? For serious? We're shelling out 2,000 bucks to put our names in a book, and the agency can't spend the $0.25 for a plastic sleeve? That they can reuse?
Sigh.
Thus, I will be making yet another trip to the agency this week.
On the more informational side and less rant side.....
We have an appointment at 5 PM on June 10th for the videographer. Within a week or two after that we will officially be in the book and waiting.

3 hours later...
OK, I feel a little better and a tad sheepish. Here is a quote from an email I received from S today.
"There is no need to worry about the placstic sleeves."
Of course John already bought some. I will donate them to the agency or use them for school or something. Now it's just another big check. I think the only ones after this are the videographer and the BIG one for an actual baby.

Transracial Adoption News

2008-05-28T09:43:00.005-04:00

Isn't this always the case? As soon as something comes into your life, it's all over the place? Transracial Adoption has hit the news lately. First, there was an article from the Associated Press: Major changes urged in transracial adoption. This article basically states that race and racial training should be an element of the adoption process, when said adoption crosses racial lines.

“The view that we can be colorblind is a wonderful, idealistic perspective, but we don’t live there,” said Adam Pertman, the Donaldson Institute’s executive director.

The crux of the problem may be that a disproportionately high number of black children are in foster care. U.S. laws require discounting race in placing those children, but some believe race, or at least race education, should be a major factor.

If you've been reading this blog for more than a day, I think you'd know that Duffy & I agree with that sentiment. The statement appears to be made more toward foster adoptions, though, as those are decisions made by the state.

Next is this story from National Public Radio: Transracial Adoption Insights. This is much more along the lines of what I believe Duffy & I are going to go through (perhaps I'm saying this with rose-colored glasses, but I really think I'm quite a realist). Here is the story of a well-adjusted adult African American who grew up with white parents.

"My dad was always my dad, and my mom was always my mom. The only time it became an issue was when I'd bring new friends home from school."

The story here is that we need to make the show the effort to bring cultural experiences to the child. I think it's a really well-written piece, and made me chuckle.

This brings us to the adoption books that we're reading. I remember hearing of a study while taking a psychology course about unhappy women in marriages (I have a point - stay with me). Apparently, some time before my time, a magazine found that something like 80% of all married women were involved in affairs - as this magazine sent out a questionnaire to a large number of women, and 80% of those that were returned stated that the participant was involved in an affair. Normally, this would be huge news. But, the questionnaire took several hours to fill out -- and only those people who were unhappy really had the time to write up everything. So, the "boring" responses would have been filled out by people who never would bother to fill out such paperwork. I think we're finding much the same in the books we're reading about transracial adoption. People who had bad experiences wrote books. People who had "boring" experiences either didn't bother to write a book or never thought that there was any reason to bother writing as nobody would ever want to read it.

In what we do read, there have been tons of cases where a "child of color" was raised "white". We get tons of anecdotes:

African American boy trying to figure out why his hair doesn't work the way daddy's does
Asian kid trying to get his eyes to "straighten out" so that he'll fit in with his friends
African American girl using makeup to make her skin look lighter

We will not be hiding the fact of adoption (hence the term "Open Adoption"), and we will most certainly not be hiding the issue of race. This child will not "look like us", but it's going to be loved like no other. I'll fully admit that I'm looking forward to this challenge, and to celebrate a few new items (Kwanzaa (which I'll have you know is an African American cultural holiday and in no way "competes" with Christmas or Hanukkah), Juneteenth, and others as we discover them).

Wardrobe

2008-05-26T13:02:00.011-04:00

I don't know about John, but I am finding that a lot of the adoption process is finding the right balance. Especially now that everything is starting to seem very real, (To keep up the pregnancy analogue, I think now that we are so close to the possibility, it is like hearing the heartbeat for the first time. Oh, my GOD there is a BABY in there! Well, oh my GOD there is a BABY out there! Or soon will be.) I find myself looking more and more at baby stuff. So at the moment balance means deciding what is a smart step to take or purchase to make, and what might be too much, too early. For instance, the social workers suggest having a car seat and stroller picked out for quick purchase, but not to buy yet. We are painting the nursery and doing the floors, but we will not furnish it yet for our own psyches' sakes. I won't baby proof yet, but Hudson and Grayson (the children of friends) have been gracious enough to give me the opportunity to take notes on what will need to be done. I plan on hiring the guy from City Wok to build a wall in front of my fireplace. (Don't worry if you don't get it.)
That being said, little things are happening. Both our mothers have been collecting baby things, which is awesome. People have also given us small presents, especially in the way of clothes, so I thought I would share some pictures, because it is all uber cute. Let's call it the beginning of the celebration.

This is everything together.

These are a handmade sweater, booties, and cap that my sister and I wore as babies. My mother gave them to me for Christmas. I guess she is hoping for a girl. Though she swears she put these on Wil. Alex and I cry foul. Neither of us would have let Wil out of the house in these.
Apparently my sister found this onesie a couple of years ago, and finally gave it to me for Mother's Day. With our baby, it fits on levels.

These onesies and caps were a special gift from our friends, Heather and Will. Heather and Will are raising two multiracial children of their own, so we have been doing a lot of discussing lately. We were just visiting them this weekend, and they presented these to us. I think they might be the perfect homecoming outfits. Also, I can wear the caps.

Oh, and here is a video of Wills. How precious is he?