The clutch is burnt out and all the blood is draining to my hip. (OK, this quote isn't part of the except, but you get the idea.) That feeling hits me at least three times a day. Panic is not a fun wall to run into and I slam into it at odd times. For instance, one of the tabloids is running a story about Neil Patrick Harris having a baby through a surrogate. (Haven't checked to see if that is true, but if so, go Dr. Horrible, go!) Which of course leads me to think about the adoption. Now comes the moment. Will it be a positive, "I feel good about this one", or will it be "Dear God, this is still just a crap shoot". I don't know what minute changes in psyche, chemical balances, or barometric pressure makes the difference, but dealing with the latter option is not easy. I am now queen of the self talkdown.
Now, I do feel 99% confident in this adoption especially after the meeting with the birthmom. I hope after meeting us, she is thinking of him as ours as well as hers. I did get that feeling.
That makes me feel very confident. But the worm of a panic usually starts with... Will that be the case when he is a baby and not a fetus? There is no way to tell. John and I have agreed that we need to do our best to be positive and assume this is it, otherwise the fear will keep what is exciting about this time at bay. We don't want that. We don't want to miss out on being expectant parents out of fear. Part of that is sharing things. That also means that everyone we share with has to share in the fear and will share in the potential grief if things do not go our way.
I am so glad so many care so much about us that they are willing to take on the burden with us. We will all be rewarded with great joy. Let's hope that is in August. Or July. Maybe. What?
PS - FYI A good way to alleviate the panic is to prepare something in the nursery or buy an outfit or add stuff to the registry.
9 months ago